


Washed Out

by stuntyrulz



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Injury Recovery, M/M, Mentions of suicide attempt, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Past Child Abuse, Recovery, Self-Harm, Therapy, mckirk - Freeform, the angst is in the beginning, these boys are so broken but they heal each other and then it gets fluffy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-02
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-02-11 12:04:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 35,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2067456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuntyrulz/pseuds/stuntyrulz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Jim Kirk hadn't met Leonard McCoy on that shuttle, he would have washed out.</p><p>If Leonard McCoy hadn't met Jim Kirk on that shuttle, he would have almost drunk himself to death.</p><p>This is what happens when they don't meet on the shuttle to the academy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The beginning

Jim:

 

The dawn broke early and clear over San Francisco bay, casting the white buildings of Starfleet academy in a myriad of colours, from golden yellows to pale pinks. The campus was still as if someone had literally frozen that moment to keep forever; there were no cadets or instructors milling about and the usual hustle and bustle was replaced with this eerie calm.

Jim Kirk walked through the deserted campus as if in a daze, he was dressed in his ripped jeans, leather jacket and beaten-up boots; a duffle bag was slung over his shoulder carrying his entire life.

As he walked along past the statues of Starfleet’s greatest, he mused about his short time at Stafleet academy; about Pike’s dare (he had told him yesterday where to shove his stupid dare); about the rumours, the biting comments and the bitter loneliness of being the son of a hero.

Well he was done pretending he was someone who could actually make a difference, who actually mattered in the universe. No one had ever wanted him and no one would care if he were dead, hell they’d probably all breath a sigh of relief at having rid of him.

That’s all he wanted in life, someone to care about if he was upset, if his grades were good and to help him up when he fell down. But Jim Kirk had long past the time when he still held onto hope, Jim Kirk needed no one. The only thing he hoped for was enough money for the drugs that had been keeping all the emotions out for the past six months. Hot angry tears burned down his cheeks and his hands shook violently as he approached the busy main road at the edge of the campus and as he stepped out to cross the road, he could hear the whoosh of an air-cars brakes desperately trying to stop before it hit him…

Jim Kirk couldn’t find the energy to care as he lay there bleeding on the unforgiving ground…

 

_‘It’s going to be okay son’_

 

* * *

McCoy:

 

The dim lights in him dorm barely illuminated the sofa but McCoy knew exactly where it was in his cramped dorm. He all but collapsed onto the sofa and automatically reached for the bottle he knew would be sitting under it. When he found it empty he threw it against the wall in anger and heard the satisfying smash as it shattered into pieces on the floor.

Dragging himself up off the sofa, he picked it way through the mess of medical textbooks, takeaway boxes and clothes to his small kitchen where he picked up three more bottles of bourbon and staggered back to the sofa. The glass lay untouched on the table as he drank straight from the bottle. The bag he had packed for Georgia was still sitting by the door, as was the wrapped present he had bought for his baby girl.

He was on the third bottle by time the blissful numbness had begun to set it, the alcohol making it too hard to move and find out who kept calling him on his comm or why his PADD kept pinging.

As he began to fall into the welcoming darkness, his door buzzed and he smiled lazily at the happiness that someone would find him before his body started decomposing and the smell got too bad. He could faintly hear the door being busted down and mused that someone in the maintenance department was going to be mighty pissed about that. That was his last though as the blackness claimed him.

_‘Stay with me’_


	2. Awakening (Jim)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim wakes in the hospital after the accident.
> 
> He's not sure if it's a good thing.

The first thing he became aware of was a dull ache all over his body. The second thing was the regular beeping of monitors, which he knew belonged to a hospital; that meant he was alive, he didn’t know whether he was happy about that or not. The final thing, which surprised him, was the feeling of a warm smooth hand holding his.

Prising his eyes open, he squinted again the harsh white light that reflected off everything; he groaned as the pain in his head skyrocketed and quickly closed his eyes again, hoping it hadn’t alerted the person that he was awake.

He was quickly proved wrong when the hand squeezed his and a voice spoke above him.

“Take it easy son, you’re in quite a state” The voice said.

_Oh shit!_ He knew that voice; it belonged to the Commandant of Cadets, Christopher Pike. The revelation made him open his eyes again and when they came into focus he saw the concerned face and rumpled uniform of someone who actually cared. The thought almost made him laugh. He decided to break the illusion.

“Wha’ ‘re you doin’ ‘ere?” Jim’s voice sounded rough with disuse and he mused that he must have been out a while.

A pained look came across the Captain’s face and he gripped Jim’s hand even tighter before he spoke, “I’m here because I care about you Jim” He whispered hoarsely.

Now that comment did make Jim laugh, a harsh bitter sound that came up through his parched throat; making him cough and splutter. Suddenly pair of hands was around his torso, lifting him up so he could breathe. He tried to push them away, but he couldn’t make his arms move to dislodge the iron grip. When Pike did finally let go of him, he settled back down into the chair and took a hold of Jim’s hand again.

“Jim, people do care about you. Just look around” He said carefully, as if he was talking to a frightened animal.

Jim took the time to take a proper look around the smart room he was in, however he could barely see the white walls for all the flowers and other gifts that were littering the room. Some were old and wilting in their vases, while others were fresh and had obviously only been brought in today. Jim was shocked at the sea of colour. People cared? People cared about _him_? He looked back to Pike with a look of utter bewilderment on his face. Pike looked close to tears.

“Why do people care about me?” Jim asked bluntly, surveying the room again.

It was Pike turns to look shocked as he stumbled over himself to find an answer, after composing himself he thought for a moment before answering.

“Jim people care about you because you care about them; you help everyone no matter who they are and sure you have some people who don’t like you, but there’s thousands of cadets here, not everyone is gonna hate you”

“I guess…?” Jim trailed off.

“Why do you think you don’t deserve have friends of be cared about? You’re not alone here, you know?” Pike asked slowly.

Memories flashed though he mind of a farm house in Iowa, A step-father who beat him, A brother who abandoned him, A mother who could never look him in the eyes and sent him to Tarsus to get rid of him. His family had never cared, why should anyone else?

“Jim? We’re gonna be talking about this, you know?” he said “Your inferiority complex” He clarified

He was starting to feel tired, the pain in his body was escalating and he was suddenly wondering what had actually happened to him to land him in Starfleet Medical? The last thing he remembered was the sunrise as he left the academy. How much time had passed since then?

As if reading his mind, Pike started to explain, “You were hit by a hover-car on the road just outside the academy, I was out for a morning run and heard the noise. God, it was awful, there was so much blood and when the paramedics arrived, they didn’t know if you would even make it to the hospital.”

It seemed to be physically paining him to be recounting the story and the grip on his hand was approaching painful.

“You broke both legs in three places, four ribs, one of which punctured your lung which meant you had to be on a respirator until yesterday, you also sustained a concussion and minor brain damage from lack of oxygen as well as a fractured spine. God Jim, the doctors didn’t know if you would even be able to walk or if you would remember anything if you ever woke up. They had to put you in coma for a week. You’ve been out for three more days on top of that” When Pike finshed he was pale, shaky and Jim was wondering if Pike was going to need a stay in a bio-bed after this. His eyes had drooped closed

“Thankfully I got the best doctors on you case and as long as you don’t overstress yourself too soon, you should make a full recovery and be able to continue you classes” He finished.

Jim eyes snapped open again when he heard the last part of his sentence. Surely Pike had gotten the message after their shouting match the last time they spoke, he had even sent him a resignation letter, there was no way he was continuing here, even if there were people who cared about him. It didn’t stop the fact that most of his instructors and peers thought he had fucked his way in or used his dad’s name to guilt trip someone to accepting him. Well, he was going to set the record straight.

“With all due respect sir, I thought you would have gotten the message from out last conversation and the letter I sent you” Jim said tersely

Pike sighed and seemed to deflate before him, “Jim, I know it hasn’t been easy for you here, but you’re one of the brightest students we’ve had here in a long time and if you ask me Starfleet is in dire need of some new blood. You signed yourself up for three years and I’m not letting you get out of it” Pike replied softly

Jim scoffed “Sir, I’m not the sort of role model Starfleet wants, I’m a criminal drug addict with daddy issues. Not the sort of person you would want to inspire future cadets”

“So why did you join in the first place then?” Pike asked.

“I was high on drugs at the time, not exactly in my right mind” Jim replied.

“I know about your addictions Jim, I could smell it on you that first night in that bar. I was hoping that being at Starfleet would stamp it out of you, obviously that wasn’t the case” Pike sighed.

Jim suddenly felt bad for disappointing the man, sure he had been high when he signed up but he did remember feeling some sort of appeal to Pike’s words to ‘be destined for more’ than living in some dilapidated farm house in bum-fuck Iowa. The idea of leaving suddenly didn’t seem as appealing anymore.

“Fine I guess I have to stay, but I won’t enjoy it and I suppose I’ll have to see some stupid therapist for the drugs and god knows what else they diagnose me with” Jim muttered back at him. He still wasn’t convinced about the whole ‘friends’  and ‘caring’ thing.

“Damn straight you will, the doctors have already suggested depression, anxiety and trust issues. They read your file” Pike replied knowingly, looking at Jim for any sign of distress at what he was implying.

Jim simply stared back at him, a look of contempt and anger clear on his face; he was starting to feel that the situation was out of control. Sure, he had days when he could barely drag himself out of bed and the only thing that made him feel anything other than numb was a knife. But depression was going a bit far.

The pain was starting to muddle his thoughts and he hoped Pike would leave him alone soon to gather his thoughts.

“You’ve had a hard time Jim, so I’ll leave you to rest. But I’ll be back tomorrow to check on you, I assume quite a few others will want to drop in once they hear you’re awake” Pike ruffled his hair as he got up to leave.

He turned back “And don’t even think about trying to leave before you’re cleared, They’ll have you strapped down before you could even get to the door” He said as he left.

Jim scowled at the man’s back as his eyes dropped closed.

 


	3. Awakening (McCoy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCoy wakes up

The steady telltale beeps of a heart monitor were the first thing he noticed as he drifted upwards in to consciousness. He started quickly, thinking he had fallen asleep in one of the rooms… again. However, he was quickly slammed back down when the various wires and tubes attached to him held him back.

Groaning, he inwardly cringed at himself and tried to think back to what the hell had landed him in what he really hoped wasn’t Starfleet medical. Which was a pretty stupid thought because there were Starfleet logos all over the room. The other obvious thing was the man that was standing sternly at the top of his bed, reviewing notes, was the Surgeon General; Admiral Phillip Boyce.

Could this day get anymore embarrassing?

“Dr. McCoy! Glad to see that you’re finally awake. Care to explain why you are currently a patient at my hospital instead of treating them?” Boyce’s casual cutting sarcasm shocked him from his daze.

“Uh- Umm.” McCoy attempted to reply.

Boyce chuckled “Save it McCoy. You can explain why you thought that drinking almost three bottles of bourbon was a good idea to the therapist. You know the one? Dr. Santania on the third floor, I made sure to get the best one just for you” His voice hasn’t lost any of its sarcasm.

McCoy barely managed to hold in another groan as he willed the pillows to swallow him and save him from the embarrassment of the verbal assault.

However Boyce continued, “So I read your file, very soap-opera McCoy. I mean, you had it all! Nice wife, a cute kid, private practice, white picket fence; the full nine-yards. And now you’re lying here willing me to shut the fuck up” He laughed.

“So I highly suggest for your own sake that you man the fuck up and get over it! I don’t need one of the best damn doctors I’ve had to put up with in a bio-bed, when they could be up here attempting to fix all the stupid shit that cadets do round here!” Boyce finished with a flourish as he slammed the PADD down and left the room.

McCoy couldn’t decide if he was happy that Boyce had finally shut up and left. It did mean that McCoy had to put up with the deafening silence that made him think about how he really needed a drink.

Sighing, he closed his eyes and settled in until he could finally escape and find the nearest bar. Or a bottle of alcohol. Whichever came first.


	4. Therapy (Jim)

Dr. Santania’s office was decorated to a comfortable place. The walls were neutral shades of cream, brown and cream; which was a change from the starched white décor of the rest of SFM. Within the room was a sleek desk, piled high with PADDs, Coffee mugs; a couple of books, some sweets and a dying potted plant. Floor-to-ceiling windows lined one side of the room and gave an excellent view over San Francisco. Dotted around through room were various sofas, chairs and even some beanbags of questionable colours. All in all the room looked like somewhere that was trying to hard to be welcoming. Jim Kirk instantly hated it.

When he had been told that he had to see the shrink, he had thrown up a mighty fuss to whichever doctor had drawn the short straw to tell him. Pike had had to hold him down as on of the nurses administered a sedative to calm him down.

It wasn’t really his fault; the last therapist he had seen had called him a dirty liar and that he was just making up stories to get attention. It made sense for him not to try again. Nevertheless there he was, glaring daggers into her eyes as Dr. Santania stared back impassively. He tried to look somewhat threatening but failed miserably a he was pale, thin and still needed a wheel chair to get around.

She was the first to break the tense silence “So Jim, Do you mind if I call you Jim?” She asked.

“Yeah, only my friends call me Jim.. Bitch” He sneered back at her. He knew that name-calling was petty, but it was really all he had.

She seemed unfazed by his reaction “Well then Cadet Kirk, how about we start with you drug addiction?”

“It’s Mr. Kirk you ignorant whore” Jim slumped further into his wheel chair and looked away.

“According to your file, you’re still a cadet” She replied smoothly.

Kirk had lost his patience with her and attempted to stand so he could punch her pretty face. His stupid legs wouldn’t cooperate however, so he settled for yelling at her.

“WELL THEN THE FILE IS FUCKING WRONG!” He roared at her, managing to reach up and knock all the PADDs flying to the floor.

Suddenly the doors burst open and three burly security guards burst through, they must have been waiting outside and heard the commotion to have arrived so quickly. Judging the situation, one of then grabbed Kirk’s wrists and the one of the others arms clamped around his chest to prevent him moving. Coincidently this also prevented him drawing in a much-needed breath.

As he gasped for air and struggled, the grip only got tighter. As his vision grew blurry, Jim swore he could see Frank standing over him, fist raised to strike his prone body. Finally the arms around him released as the darkness claimed him again.


	5. Interlude (Pike and Boyce)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back from holiday now so chapters will be quite regular. they will also lengthen as the story goes on.

Christopher Pike sat in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs in the deserted hospital cafeteria. His now-cool cup of coffee sat in front of him and he debated getting up to go grab another one.  
  
Before he could decide the chair opposite him scraped back and another man sat down in front of him, with two cups of fresh coffee. Pike looked up and was about to speak when the other man beat him to it.  
  
“He’s doing alright now. The nurse had to restrain and sedate him or he would’ve hurt himself and others around him. That guard only bruised his ribs and the only other thing he had on him were minor cuts and scrapes. God, I’ve never seen someone so … scared before” Boyce sighed as he pushed one of the cups toward Chris.  
  
“He’s going to hate me when he works out that I was the one who put that security detail out on him. The kid’s fragile enough as it is.” Chris whispered back at him. He paused a moment, “I knew his mother, you know? She was one of the strongest women I have ever met. George’s death broke her heart though, she was never the same after that” He continued.  
  
“Chris, It’s not your fault how she treated him. All you can do now is help him to heal and to realise that people do care about him,” Boyce said as he reached across and gripped his friend’s hand. Chris seemed to brighten at that and shook off his melancholy.  
  
“Anyway, how is your one doing?” Chris asked, changing the subject deftly.  
  
“McCoy? Still got a mother of a hangover and a boatload of baggage, but he should eventually be fine. As long as he doesn’t murder Dr Santania” Boyce chuckled.  
  
“Hmm I agree that woman is a bit… harsh” Chris replied distractedly.  
  
Boyce sighed again “Go on, get out of here. Go and see Jim, it’d be good for him to see someone there when he wakes up”  
  
Chris stood from the table as he finished he coffee “Thanks Phil, for everything. Good luck with McCoy!” Chris called as he dashed out of the cafeteria.  
  
“Stupid command types” Phil muttered to himself as he downed his coffee in the empty room.


	6. Therapy (McCoy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's McCoy's turns in Satan's lair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter should have been earlier but School sucks and I had homework! But now I'm back into it their should be more...

When Boyce walked into McCoy’s room, he was met with a scowl that would have sent most people running; McCoy was famed as being the grumpiest doctor in SFM, and it had been rumoured that some were still in therapy over his rather… blunt opinions of them. Nevertheless Boyce persevered into the spacious room and over to its occupant.

McCoy’s scowl deepened and he attempted to put on his scariest look, however since his face was still gaunt and pale, with deep bags under his eyes; he failed miserably.

Boyce looked on and chuckled as he sat himself down on one of the chairs and waited. It wasn’t long before McCoy took the bait.

“What the fuck do you want sir? Can’t you see I’m bust here trying to catch up on some work” He muttered angrily, picking up his PADD again.

“I wouldn’t get to far into it, you’ve got an appointment with Dr. Satan in half an hour” Boyce replied easily.

McCoy groaned and slumped down into the pillows, wishing he could just disappear. Boyce picked up on his despair and threw him a sympathetic look. As McCoy waited for him to leave the room.

“Are you planning to leave or are you just gonna sit there and enjoy my suffering” McCoy said sharply.

Boyce laughed “I’m not stupid McCoy! I know that as soon as I leave this room, you’ll be up and out of here and probably to the nearest bar. So I’m going to settle in and stay here and then I’m going to escort you down; just to make sure you don’t get any ideas about leaving before you’ve been discharged by your doctor. Which is, of course, me” He finished with a flourish.

McCoy grumbled under his breath at being read so easily, he had been biding his time until his epic hangover had passed and he could finally escape. His plan wasn’t much more than: Get out, Find the seediest bar, Get drunk, Hopefully fade out of existence. With the final symptoms of his hangover finally passed, he was hoping to have executed the plan today. However, he was still stuck in the Rehab wing of the hospital. Which would have been a problem as all the doors had security on them, but since he was a doctor, he had all the codes.

Another problem with the rehab wing was the excessive amount of staff. The patients in the wing were the ones who needed extra support and since some of the patients could be violent; there was always a security personnel around. This also housed the therapists and their offices. McCoy had never been in one, but he’d heard that they were the homiest place in SFM (which wasn’t hard considering that most of the place was white and clinical).

Giving up on his train of thought, he sighed and picked up his PADD again, intent of finishing one of the latest journals, when Boyce spoke up.

“Some of the security personnel got suspended earlier today, One of them almost suffocated this kid! They’re all gonna get discharged probably, the poor kid is one of the worst I’ve seen. Had to sedate and restrain him.” Boyce grumbled angrily.

McCoy looked up _kid?_ He thought.Boyce wasn’t one to call officers that, which must mean there was another cadet in the wing. It didn’t happen often as any applicant who was seen to be mentally unfit for Starfleet was sent away to an appropriate centre to help them. Whatever happened to him must have been bad enough to land him in here and not with the therapists that were on campus.

Boyce seemed to read his mind again. “I know what you’re thinking, and yes he is another cadet. Been dealt a rough hand in life. But he’s one of the brightest we’ve seen and he’s already been earmarked for the new flagship in a few years. You never know, maybe you’ll meet one day” Boyce continued.

McCoy nodded his agreement and went back to his reading and the rest of the time passed in silence. When Boyce stood up he knew it was time, dragging himself out of bed and onto the cold hard floor made him feel like a new-born foal. Boyce stood at the door waiting for him and when he finally reached it, they set off down the corridor.

\--------------------

McCoy would have turned and run (hobbled) as fast as he could away from the imposing office door, if it wasn’t for Boyce’s grip on his arm keeping him in place. Knocking politely they waited until she opened the door. Sensing that this was his last opportunity to escape, McCoy attempted to twist out of the hold, but was instead propelled forward into the office.

“He’s all yours now” Boyce said as he turned and strode off down the corridor. McCoy looked back shocked as the door closed behind him and he was forced to look down onto the smiling woman before him.

“So Doctor McCoy, where would you like to sit today?” she asked kindly

Sighing he walked past her and settled himself into an armchair by the window, it was a nice day and the view was spectacular. Dr. Santiana sat across from him, notebook and pen in hand. The air was tense between them.

“So Doctor, how about we start with your over-indulgence of alcohol. What exactly did you hope to achieve by doing it?” she began.

McCoy sighed and thought for a moment. What had he been thinking when he did it? It had been a long shift and he’d lost two people on his table. The bottles were there and he hadn’t been thinking about what was going to happen in the future.

“Oblivion” He answered eventually.

She nodded before speaking again “And do you feel that your recent divorce factored into it”

“The divorce was just a formality, she’d been fucking this lawyer for months before we broke up”

“And how about your daughter. Do you miss her?”

“Of course I do you bitch! My ex-wife took her and everything else I owned. I missed her birthday last week. By the time she grows up, she probably won’t even remember me” He sighed sadly looking away.

And so the questions continued… for what seemed like hours she picked apart his entire clusterfuck of a life and analysed it. By the end of the session he felt emotionally drained and longed for a drink. He almost hugged Boyce when he came to pick him up at the end. He began to stumble back to his room and had to stop several times to regain his balance.

After what seemed like miles, he made it back into the room and simply collapsed on top of the bed. Boyce said nothing as he shoved McCoy under the covers and removed his slipper, all the while muttering about McCoy being a ‘princess’.

McCoy was too tired to care as he slipped into a dreamless slumber.


	7. Restraint (Jim)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim wakes up again and secrets are revealed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a while because of hell (school). But here it is finally!  
> All information was taken of the NHS website about the therapies etc.  
> Anything you think I have gotten wrong/misinterpreted please leave a comment.

When Jim finally floated back into the waking world, his entire body ached and he could feel the telltale pressure around his wrists of restraints. Pulling gently against them, they held fast and he let out a breath as the feeling of being trapped tried to overwhelm him. Before he could get any further, two hands held down his arms.

“Jim? I need you to calm down, the doctors had to sedate you for your own safety. Just open your eyes for me, okay?” he could faintly make out Pike talking above him over the sound of his heartbeat and the thoughts of ‘ _panic, attack, kill, fight’_

“JIM! Please son, I need you to calm down, just focus on me, you’re hear in the hospital in Starfleet Medical” Pike sounded almost as worried as Jim did.

By some miracle Jim managed to focus in on Pike’s voice, he could feel his lungs taking in much needed breath and his heart calming down. He prised his eyes opened and was met by the sight of a Pike staring at him with a mix of worry and sympathy. Pike let go of his arms and walked over to the call button to summon a nurse. He made his way back over and sat down by the side of Jim’s bed, taking one of his hands in his own.

“Hey there, how are you feeling now? You’ve been out for 12 hours” Pike began. _Well that explained the uniform_ Jim thought as he took in Pike’s dishevelled appearance.

“I want these restraints off me now” Jim replied coldly.

As if on cue a nurse appeared and proceeded to fuss around with his retraints before checking on the bio-bed display screen and entering a few commands before turning around to leave. As she reached the door she turned.

“Doctor Boyce should be along to talk to you in about half and hour” She said breezily as she walked out, her shoes clicking down the hallway.

Jim lay back against the pillows and rubbed a hand over his face, looking to the side, he saw that Pike was still eyeing him with a look of concern.

“Jim, You know you’re going to have to see the therapist. I know it’s not what you want, but the only way you’re gonna get out of here is to talk to her. And I’m not going to make you stay at the academy if you really don’t want to; but if you do decide to go, I’d really hope you’d consider going to college maybe? I don’t want you to waste your life away” Pike said carefully.

Jim contemplated what he had just said. It was a relief to know he wasn’t going to be forced to stay at the academy by Pike, but he really doesn’t want to have to talk to that therapist again, especially after his outburst last time. Although one thing was still niggling at him; how did security get there so fast? The only way was if they had been waiting outside, but that would mean that somebody had put a…

All the pieces suddenly fit and Jim suddenly just wanted to throw himself out of the bed and run as far away as he could get from Christopher ‘ _I care about you Jim’_ Pike. However his legs were still held in mobility fields so he settled for yelling at him instead.

“It was you!” Jim yelled accusingly, pointing a finger at him. He wished he could just reach over and punch the man, but that would probably end up with him back in restraints and he really didn’t want to have to go through that again. Pike had the gall to look confused.

“You were the one who put the security detail on me! You were the reason I got sedated and put in restraints! And you say I have trust issues, you’re the one who thinks an invalid needs a load of security to keep an eye on him like a fucking criminal!” Jim continued to shout, as he wheezed.

“Jim, I can explain-“ Pike began, reaching out to hold his hand.

Jim snatched it away and gave him a scathing look. “I trusted you! I thought you were different. But turns out I was right and all Starfleet officers are lying, scheming dicks. I’m nothing more than a pet project to you, am I?” Jim continued to yell as his breath got shorter and shorter.

“That’s not true! I think-“ Pike tried again to speak.

“I don’t give a shit what you-“ Jim had to cut off his next triad to cough and splutter.

“Here, Jim just breath. Here-“ Pike got up to help him.

“Get the fuck away from me! Get out of here, I don’t want to see you, I’m fine!” Jim said between coughs.

But Pike continued and when he was within arms reach of him, Jim reached out and shoved him away with surprising strength; he stumbled back a few steps but caught himself on the chair.

At that moment the nurse form earlier burst back into the room followed by Boyce. He paused in the doorway to survey the scene, it wasn’t pretty. Jim was doubled over trying to breathe while Chris was standing unsteadily by the chair, looking as if he may either break something or cry. Maybe both. Making a quick assessment Boyce acted.

“Chris, out now!” Boyce commanded.

“But Jim-“ He tried. Gripping on tighter to the chair.

Boyce sighed at him and looked away. “Nurse, get him out of here, I’ll help Jim”

Chris’ protests were drowned out as he was dragged from the room, while Boyce ran over to Jim. Placing his hands gently on the kid’s arms, he asked Jim to try to calm down and breathe with him. He pulled an oxygen mask out and carefully fixed it onto Jim’s face. The kid’s eyes were wild and scared while Boyce tried to help him. Looking to the screen he added a muscle relaxant and some steroids to help with his breathing. While he was doing this he kept constant contact with Jim and muttered soothing words to him. When he had finished, he could feel the kid’s muscles relaxing and sighed in relief as the crisis passed. Jim seemed to still be awake and lucid so he removed the oxygen mask and replaced it with a nasal canula, just to be on the safe side.

“Hey Jim, how are you feeling now? Can you breathe alright?” Boyce asked as he sat down in the now empty seat.

Jim took a deep breath before answering, “I feel like shit, but I can breathe just fine thanks” He said with a hint a panic still in his voice.

“I would ask you what went on with Chris, but I think most of the ward heard, so I’ll skip that question and move on” Boyce chuckled as he checked Jim’s stats.

Jim cringed inwardly and sunk further into the pillows. “Great, now the everyone knows about my little outbursts. I’m a complete nutcase aren’t I?”

“Come on Jim, that’s not true. Loads of people in Starfleet suffer from mental health issues at some point or another. It’s not a weakness or something to be ashamed of.” Boyce said quietly. “You know that 1 in 6 people will experience depression at some point in their lives. There are over 3 million people in Starfleet that means at least half a million. So you’re not alone you know?” Boyce said, looking down. “Chris had it as well, that’s one the reasons he took a ground posting for a few years. He couldn’t deal with losing people all the time, he’s better now, but he still has some bad days. You should talk to him at some point, I think it would help both of you”

Jim stared back at Boyce for a moment deep in thought. Knowing that Pike had also had depression shed a new light on things. If Chris knew how he felt, then the security detail could have been as much for him own good as for others around him. He wasn’t ready to forgive him yet, but he did feel a bit bad for yelling at him. Right now he just wanted to get off the subject and move on.

Boyce seemed to pick up on his unease and moved on quickly. “Anyway Jim, the good news is that the people in Psych have made their assessment and now have a recommended a treatment plan for you.” He opened a PADD and read through it quickly, nodding to himself he closed it and looked back at Jim.

“Right so, we’re gonna start you on a mild anti-depressant and see how that goes; it’s mild so you shouldn’t have any side-effects but if you do tell us and we can put you on something different. They’ve also put you down for Cognitive behaviour therapy, CBT can’t remove your problems, but it can help you deal with them in a more positive way. It’s based on the concept that your thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and actions are interconnected, and that negative thoughts and feelings can trap you in a vicious cycle. CBT aims to help you crack this cycle by breaking down overwhelming problems into smaller parts and showing you how to change these negative patterns to improve the way you feel.” Boyce recited carefully, making sure Jim understood everything, at Jim’s nod he continued.

“They also have you down for Interpersonal therapy, which focuses on your relationships with other people and on problems you may be having in your relationships, such as difficulties with communication” Boyce said with an eyebrow raise. Jim just rolled his eyes and looked away.

“Finally you’ve got group therapy once a week and an excerise program to begin once the mobility fields are off you legs. You’ll be seeing a lot of nurse Jenkins, Dr. Santiana, and me; we’re be your immediate medical team, but you’ll also see other people for other things. Hopefully we’ll have you up and around in no time! Any questions?” Boyce finished, smiling at him.

 

“Will I have to see Pike again?” Jim asked quietly

 

Boyce gave him a sympathetic look “No one is going to force you to do anything, say anything, or see anyone until you’re ready. Although I hear there are some people who aren’t far off breaking down the doors to get into here; friends of yours, I presume?”

 

Jim was about to tell him he didn’t have any friends, but he was beaten to it. “Let’s see, we have: Cadet Uhura, Cadet Gaila, Commander Spock and a Thaleb? I think that’s Andorian” Boyce said as he read from the PADD.

 

Jim was shocked. He thought Uhura still hated him for that time at the bar, He thought that Spock only played chess with him because he was the only decent opponent at the academy and Gaila had just been for the sex, right? Thaleb was in his hand-to-hand class and they often went out for a quick drink after, or went to the library and studied together. Was that friendship? It wasn’t as if he had ever had a friend before.

 

He didn’t notice that Boyce had left, leaving Jim to his own thoughts.


	8. Moving (McCoy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCoy leaves his private room for some underwear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry this took so long. I've been doing so many essays on poetry I thought that if i write anymore I would end up burning something. Anway this is just a short filler chapter before I whump Jim some more. *evil laugh* I'm already working on the next chapter (Pike may turn up again? who knows) which should be up soonish.
> 
> cookies to anyone who can guess McCoys new roommate!!

“Morning princess!” Boyce said cheerily as he walked into the room, he was carrying three hypos and PADD, which he set down on the bedside table.

McCoy groaned as he was roused from sleep, blinking at the harsh lights he attempted to sit up before giving up at settling for scowling at the man above him.

Boyce just chuckled and picked up his PADD. Tapping at it quickly he spoke with a sense of mocking. “Guess what! You’re moving, I think it’s time you had some other human interaction and so we’re moving you a new room. You may end up with a roommate but I’m not exactly sure of when that will be. Anyway you will still have the fun and joy of therapy with Satan and that group session which I know you love so much. And even better! They may actually give you some proper clothes” Boyce said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

As much as McCoy wanted to punch Boyce in the face, the sound of proper clothes did sound rather appealing so he kept his fist in check and nodded, putting on the fakest smile he could manage.

“Good good! Some orderlies should be around at some point at collect you” and with that he strode out the room with a flourish, leaving McCoy fantasise about finally getting some underwear.

As promised three hours later, two orderlies came in to escort him to his new room. He managed to get his legs to actually work for the journey although he thought he might pass out by the time they arrived. This floor was set out differently from the ward he’d been on before. Rooms were set around a central communal lounge where a few people were milling around watching TV or reading, a few looked up when he entered but he ignored them. The orderlies lead him a room on the far side of the room and opened the door for him; inside was a modern spacious area. On one side was a large window with a couch and an armchair in front of it, along one wall was a bookcase that McCoy could see had been filled with his belongings. Behind a partition were two twin beds, one had some towels, a plain tee and some sweatpants on it; the other was bare and McCoy presumed that was where his roommate would be sleeping. If he ever arrived that is.

“There’s a call button next to your bed if you need anything, someone will come and get you for any therapy appointments and you’ll be expected to attend the exercise program three times a week. Other than that, there’s a PADD in the drawer if you want it but we encourage you to go out and socialise with everyone else, light out is at eleven and breakfast is at eight.” One of the men said as they both left the room, leaving McCoy on his own.

As much as he wanted to sleep and never wake up, he grabbed the clothes and made his way into the bathroom. It was also spacious with a bath and two sinks, above one of them was all his toiletries and he was really thinking of sending Boyce a fruit basket or something for getting him out of the hospital room. This felt more like a hotel than a psych ward. Opening up the cabinet he grabbed his shower gel and was about to close it when he spotted something else; it was a bottle of mouthwash, but know that he remembered he had refilled it with some of his best bourbon as an emergency. Resisting doing a celebration dance he grabbed the bottle and opened it, inhaling the scent of his favourite drink. He really wanted to down the entire lot but he knew that that would rouse suspicion and he really needed to ration it so it could hopefully last long enough for him to escape and find a bar. As the shower heated up, he took a quick sip and savoured the taste on his tongue.

After his shower, he dressed in the clothes he’d been given and sat on the couch with one of his medical books and began to read. Trying to stop thinking about who may end up as his room-mate…


	9. Challenges (Jim)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim is still being difficult

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look how lucky you lot all are! two chapters in one day. I finished school early and the weather is shit outside, so here I am!

“Come on Jim, you really need to eat. You won’t get better if you don’t” Jenkins tried to reason with him as Jim turned his head away from the disgusting milkshake he’s being forced to drink. He can feel that his stomach wants food but just the mere thought of getting better makes his want to laugh, he resists only because that might end with him in restraints again.

“Maybe I don’t want to get better? Maybe I can’t” Jim said sullenly.

Jenkins sighed and put down the drink, she sat back against the chair and put her hand on his. Jim would have pulled away but he actually quite liked Jenkins. He didn’t trust her or anything; he knew what happened when you trusted people. But he really didn’t want to get a different nurse.

“Jim, I know you’re not well right now but you’ve gotta believe that you’re gonna get better. Look the mobility fields are off you legs and if you just started eating, then you’d be able to go outside and see you friends” She said carefully.

“I don’t have friends” He replied.

“Please Jim, you’re not alone. Chris wants to see you again as does everyone else.” She tried to reason

“Don’t pretend you care about me. Why should anyone? I’m just the fucked up kid with daddy issues” Jim spat

“Jim calm down. I’m going to leave the shake here for you, please try to drink at least some of it. I’ll be back in an hour for you physical therapy” She said sadly as she left the room.

Jim didn’t feel that bad about how he treated her, the sooner she left him, the sooner the world would finally see that the world didn’t need Jim Kirk.

He brooded for the entire hour before she came back with a wheelchair; as much as he had improved he couldn’t walk more than ten steps before wanting to pass out or just crawl into a corner and die. Since neither was apparently acceptable, he had to settle for the humiliation of the chair.

Once she had him seated in the chair, they set off down the corridor with Jenkins keeping up a constant chatter all the way to the gym. When they entered she passed him off to Dr Eaves, his physical therapist. Eaves was a tall, well-built man but had a soft disposition and was never too harsh to his patients. Thanking Jenkins, Eaves took Jim over to the walking bars and helped him out of the chair carefully and helping him over.

“how are we feeling today Jim?” He asked as Jim began to get through the bars.

He wasn’t surprised when Jim didn’t answer, the boy hadn’t said more than ten words to him and eight of those had been “fuck” and “off”. Instead he focused on Jim; he was making a valiant effort to get his legs to work although it was still his arms holding most of him up. When it looked as if Jim may fall Eaves reached out to help him but was met with a growl and a scathing look. When Jim did make it all the way to the end he almost did collapse if it wasn’t for Eaves’ quick reflexes; he caught Jim around the waist and was shocked to feel how thin he was, he could easily feel his ribs and sharp hipbones. Depositing him back in the chair, he walked over to the water fountain to grab Jim some water. By the time he got back Jim had slumped down in the chair and was almost asleep.

“Come on Jim! We’ve got another 45 minutes of this” he said as he handed Jim the water and watched him gulp it down greedily. When he had finished he helped Jim out of the chair again and onto a mat on the floor. For the next 45 minutes they went though various stretches and exercises that pushed Jim to his limits. By the end of the session Jim was a sweaty mess, panting hard against the floor as Eaves lifted the boneless man back into his chair just as Jenkins walked through he door. They shared a look as she took the chair form him and began to push it out of the door. Jim was sound asleep by the time they got back to the room, she called another nurse to help her get him back into bed, although she needn’t have worried since he was so light. They shared a concerned look before turning down the lights and exiting the room.

Just before Jenkins closed the door, she heard a PADD ping, curiosity got the better of her and she made her way back inside to check it. Opening up the PADD on the nightstand she gulped when she saw whom the message was from…


	10. Routine (McCoy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCoy hates socialising and Chapel takes no shit.

Over the next week McCoy developed a routine that required the least amount of effort. He’d get up at around eight, have a quick swish of his “mouthwash” before jumping in the shower and then getting dressed. He’d get to the mess hall just before breakfast ended and have enough time to grab a large coffew and a muffin. If it was a Tuesday or a Friday he would be forced onto the large roof garden above SFM for an hour of “exercise”. The garden was large and green with a light breeze that the shields around it let through. The items within the garden varied from some small garden patches where some patients were growing flowers and vegetables; a track than went around the entire edge of the roof; a football pitch where a few people were kicking a ball around leisurely and finally some table tennis tables off to one side.

The first time McCoy was forced up there he’s eyed everything with distain until finally deciding on jogging around the track for the hour; he’d never been a fan of running and was pretty shit at it to be honest, but it was the only thing that would mean no one talked to him. His general bitterness had increased dramatically since he’d been moved to the ward. He would blame the alcohol but instead he blamed everything on the fact everyone else was far too _happy_ and that irritated him more than anything. If he was going to get a roommate, then they better be almost as bitter as him or he’d end up in prison for murder.

The second time McCoy was forced to the roof he wasn’t lucky enough to make it to the track before being dragged into a game of pairs table tennis. He hadn’t uttered more than a non-committal grunt to anyone in the past three days (group therapy did have its perks) and it took a while before he got back into the swing of being social. He was playing with a Captain who had lost half his crew in an engineering accident and was now suffering from PTSD and alcoholism like him. The opposition was a engineering lieutenant from the same accident who had developed depression and anxiety following extensive burns to most of his body, although modern medicine had developed significantly over the years the scarring was still visible on him. He wore long trousers and a shirt with a pair of gloves and a beanie on his head. McCoy felt a pang of sympathy and self-hatred at how much the man had lost and was still functioning. The other opponent was a comms ensign who had been tortured and held for three weeks by rebels on a distant planet. She had a prosthetic arm and leg from the ordeal and also suffered from PTSD.

Overall McCoy discovered that everyone here was broken in one way or another, he also learned that he wasn’t the only one who wasn’t here voluntarily; Tom Morrow, the Captain had been forced to either come here or take a honourable discharge. Since Morrow had no other family he’d come here and was currently rooming with Luke Evans, the engineering lieutenant. They seemed to get on well even if Luke still seemed shy and quiet.

Sasha, the comms ensign was in a room with two other women. A starbase commander with a self-harming problem and a nurse who’d been involved in a violent assault on shore leave.

After the match was over (he and Tom won by three points) they headed back down into the communal room for something to drink, as much as he wanted to retreat back to his room and carry on the reading the case files Boyce had allowed him to have but he had to admit that talking to people who weren’t doctors or therapists was quite nice.

Tom especially had a good dose of sarcasm and bitterness that McCoy could really relate to, Luke was still pretty quiet be occasionally perked up with a sassy retort to someone’s comment, obviously the guy was real smart.

Sasha had magically procured a nail file and was sitting daintily on a chair filing them into rounded points, she still had the air about her of ‘I may look like a weak woman but I can still kill you twenty eight different ways with this nail file if I wanted to’. Seemed to McCoy like her time as a hostage had toughened her up even more. According to Tom she was already more than qualified to be a security officer and had often taken the head of the department down if he thought she was weak or unable to do something. No one wanted to get on the wrong side of her, for fear of ending up having an intimate moment with the floor.

When the conversation eventually waned, they all went their separate ways. McCoy had the joy of another hour of therapy with Satan; he was going to need more of his liquid courage if he was going to get through it without throwing himself or her out of the window.

Back in his room he found someone their waiting for him on the sofa. Christine Chapel looked as fierce as ever with her blonde hair swept up into a harsh bun that made her looks even scarier than she normally did. McCoy wilted under her gaze.

“Leonard Horatio McCoy, you have and continue to be one of the most irritating people in my life” She said sharply.

“Wait… What are you talking about? And how the hell do you know my middle name?” McCoy asked back at her

Chapel just tutted and continued on “I have been trying to reach you for days! Do you know how many favours I had to call in to get in here? This place is locked up tighter that a Vulcan’s emotions. Now I know you have been having a bad time lately, but seriously you’ve gotta pull yourself together and get back to work. I’ve had to sedate Jefferies three times. The clinic is falling down without you there” Chapel finished as she collapsed back against the sofa.

McCoy look bewildered for a moment, “And? What exactly do you expect me to do from here? I spend my days trying to avoid all human contact and trying to find a way to escape to the nearest bar” McCoy scowled back at her.

“Here? You could get better for a start, and then maybe you’d be able to take some fucking responsibility to get the clinic back in order before every competent medical person in that place ends up here with you!” She shouted at him.

McCoy was really starting to consider escaping and was wondering how long it would take for him to get to the door and if she could beat him to it, he decided not to risk it.

Chapel continued, “I got here a little while ago and took the time to go through your things, just to check you weren’t sneaking in any substances that might harm your recovery. I was very thorough and came across this” She said sadly presenting the bottle of mouthwash with a flourish.

McCoy was speechless for a moment as his thought spiralled out of control. Finally all he saw was red and before he could stop himself he had raised his hand to try and get the bottle off her…

Before he knew it he was lying face down on the carpet, Chapel’s hand pressing against his throat and her heeled boot against his lower back. Even though he couldn’t see her, he could imagine her hand holding the bottle triumphantly and regretted every time he had made her take the medical combat classes.

“Now listen here sunshine! I’m going to let you up and I’m going to watch you pout all of this down the sink, then you’re going to agree to let me check through your room twice a week. If you refuse I’ll automatically assume you have alcohol in here and I’ll tell them all about this little ‘incident’. You get me sweetie?” Chapel said with mock sweetness.

McCoy was paralysed with fear as he got to his feet and grabbed the bottle with shaking hands, pushing past her he strode to the bathroom and opened the bottle, inhaling the scent like a drug. Before he could change his mind or end up on the wrong side of Chapel, he poured the contents downed the sink and washed the bottle out, just to make her happy. She stood by him and nodded her head approvingly as he made his way out of the bathroom and back to the sofa, mourning the loss of his one crutch.

Chapel sat down next to him and put a comforting arm around his broad shoulders. Her entire demeanour had changed from fierce to gentle but he knew that that power was still coiled inside her, ready to be unleashed at any moment.

“Th-thank you, I needed that” Was all McCoy could manage before silent tears started dripping down his face.

Chapel gave him a sympathetic look as she put her other arm around him and dragged him into a hug.

“Well well Dr. McCoy, always knew you were a big old softie at heart” She said kindly. McCoy could only manage a weak smile.

And for the first time in months McCoy finally felt as if he may actually get better..

 

He still wanted a drink though.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOO lets have all the strong independent female characters with epic backstories (to come)
> 
> Should I do another interlude with Pike and Boyce discussing Jim and McCoy
> 
> or
> 
> Should I go straight on with Jim having an 'incident' first... then the interlude. or should the interlude come first?


	11. Fallback (Jim)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim doesn't want to go on anymore. Boyce is having none of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: PLEASE READ BEFORE CONTINUING!!!!
> 
> This chapter contains explicit self harm (cutting), includes childhood self harm and a suicide attempt. If this is at all triggering for you I strongly suggest you skip this chapter and possibly the next (it will discuss the incident but not in too much detail).
> 
> I still have reservations about actually posting this chapter and if there is a lot of negative feedback I may take it down and rewrite it into something else. But please be reminded that this is a recovery story that deals with a lot of dark themes.
> 
> Thank you.

Fallback (Jim)

 

He twirled the blade carefully between his fingers, watching the way the light reflected off the shiny surface. The scalpel was small and delicate but held so much power; it meant the difference between life and death for him.

He placed in experimentally against the pale creamy skin of his wrist and pressed hard enough to scratch the surface of his skin, crating a long, thin welt.

Jim put the blade back down on the table next to him and checked the time again, he had to do it in the next ten minutes or he would risk not being far gone enough that the nurse or doctor couldn’t save him. He felt a moment of sympathy for Jenkins; she was a nice lady that didn’t deserve to have to put up with him and all his baggage. He also felt a bit bad for Dr. Boyce; he had also tried to help him but once he had finally done it he could focus on people more important that a fucked-up ex-cadet and realise that Jim really wasn’t worth the time.

He’d just come back from a therapy session half an hour ago; Dr Santiana was someone who he really wasn’t going to miss in the next life, if he ever made it that far. She had been trying to force him to open up about his childhood and time with Frank, also attempting to get him talk about Pike and his mother. Another can of worms he really didn’t want to open.

The thought of the captain made an uncomfortable feeling rise in his gut and he reached for PADD he’d left on the table, on it was a letter he’d written to the man. His suicide note. It was five pages long and Jim hoped it covered everything he wanted to say to the man that he would never get to say in person; checking it over he set it up to be sent to Pike’s office in an hour before closing it and placing it gently down on the table. He picked up the blade again and placed it against his wrist…

_The first time he had done it, had been in the bathroom in that farmhouse back in Iowa. He had taken an old-fashioned razor blade and cut five careful lines across his wrist, being mesmerised by the streams of red blood that flowed from the cuts down into the sink. He could remember the sounds of Frank downstairs, as the feeling of pain was bliss compared to the hurt he knew he would endure later. It was something he was finally in control of, even just for these minutes._

_After staring at the pool that had formed, he had healed the skin with a regenerator, until was pink and new, and packed the blade away, carefully storing it in one of his drawers back in his room._

_That’s when he heard the sounds of Frank’s heavy footsteps on the landing and knew that no matter how much he cut himself he would never be in control of his life._

He blinked out of his flashback and held the blade more firmly against his wrist, quickly making a decision of how deep he would need to go to get the desired effect.

Pressing down, he watched as the first trickles of blood, escape from his wrist, landing on the crisp white sheets of the bedding. Pressing harder, the blood flowed faster until he felt the familiar light headed feeling and the painful bliss that had been his crutch along with the drugs for the past months and years. After judging the cut to be deep enough, he started on the second. He lingered for less time to be sure he could make the third and fourth cuts before he passed out and never woke up again.

He almost couldn’t grip the slippery blade to make the final cut, his vision was greying around the edges and his movements were slow and clumsy as he sliced again, he had no idea if I had done it right but with the way he was feeling, it really didn’t matter. The red blood had now soaked the sheets and was now dripping off them onto the polished floor.

Just before Jim passed out, he stared upon the red pool and smiled at his handiwork and how the world would soon be rid of one James T Kirk…

* * *

 

Boyce was not a happy man; he’d just come back from a meeting with the admiralty at Starfleet HQ. They’d droned on and on about his performance and all this other bullshit that really could have been sent in a comm. It meant he had had to miss his rounds this morning and that always made his pissy. He was currently storming down the corridor towards his office to hopefully burn out all his anger in paperwork when he made a rash decision to go visit Jim. He hadn’t seen the kid in a few days and he liked to keep Chris up to date on what he was doing, as it made the man slightly less antsy and annoying to put up with his constant requests for information.

When he finally walked into the room he was not prepared for the sight that greeted him; it looked like a scene form a crime drama. Jim was lying sprawled on the bed with a large, growing pool of blood beneath him, a scalpel clutched loosely in his hand that was dangling off the edge of the bed, dripping red.

It took a moment for Boyce to move, but he immediately checked the heart monitor to see that Jim was still alive, but for much longer if the pool of blood was anything to go by. Slamming his hand down on the call button, he ran over the boy, paying no mind to the mess. Assessing his patient quickly he raised his arms up to stop the blood escaping just as Jenkins rushed in and skidded to a halt as she surveyed the scene in front of her.

“Get me all the O negative you can find and get it here now, he needs an urgent transfusion or he’ll die” He shouted frantically as Jenkins got over her shock and nodded before dashing out of the room again.

Boyce looked around the room frantically for something he could use to stop the bleeding and settles for a roll of gauze something had thankfully left sitting on the tray next to him. Grabbing it he unrolled it and wrapped it tightly around the wrist, the blood was already soaking through it but he breathed a little sigh of relief that he had at least controlled the immediate problem. As he was looking for a dermal regen, another nurse came dashing in already armed with one and another roll of gauze. Sending a silent prayer to any God, she helped his regenerate the cuts until they were just deep scratches that would need more time with the regen then they had. He re-wrapped the wrist in gauze and took a step back to sway on his feet slightly. There was a moment of calm, where he checked the monitors again, before Jenkins ran back in with the supplied he had asked for. He set them up as fast as he could and set the channels wide open. Jim now had four IV lines in his elbows and hands that were putting back into him the life giving blood that was on the floor.

He dismissed the nurses and sent for a cleaner to clean up the blood as he sat down heavily on the chair and looked over his hands, dried blood was crusted over them; he got up unsteadily to run them under the Sonics until they were clean. He sat back down and rubbed a now-clean hand over his face. The monitors still showed worryingly low stats but at least Jim was alive, as he took hold of the boy’s cool and clammy hand, he thought to himself and looked upon the pale kid on the bed … How the hell was he going to break this to Chris?


	12. Interlude 2: Pike and Boyce

Chris Pike sat in the deserted cafeteria once again, a cup of coffee long forgotten and a PADD sat in front of him. He pulled a hand through his greying hair as he picked up his PADD and began to read the letter again.

Before he could begin a large hand had appeared in front of him, grabbed the PADD from him and slammed it down on the table before he could even looked up. When he did he saw the sympathetic face of Philip Boyce looking back at him. He sighed and gave up in his attempt to get his PADD back. He waited for Boyce to speak first.

“I really hope that’s not what I think it is Chris” Boyce sighed wearily as he sat down opposite Pike.

Chris looked away guiltily “If you mean Jim’s note, then it is exactly what you think it is” He said defiantly.

“Can I?” Boyce asked as he picked the PADD up and switched it on.

Chris nodded wearily as he clutched the cold coffee tightly like a lifeline.

Boyce gave him a look of pity before he began to read. The room was silent apart from the occasional gasp from Boyce; by the time he finished Boyce was pale and shaking slightly as he handed the PADD back to Chris.

It was Chris’ turn to give the pitying look as he took the PADD back and placed it between them on the table to stare at it.

“I don’t know what to make of it to be honest, Jim has always been an enigma to me ever since he’d been a small boy, he would always be climbing the highest trees but if anyone came near him would hide behind his mother, when she was there of course” Pike said sadly.

“Since he’s been here, I haven’t been able to pinpoint him exactly. Every time I think I’ve got him figured out, he does something that completely throws me. I never knew how bad it was though” Boyce replied distractedly as he looked up in contemplation.

“Jim’s always been like that, it’s a defence mechanism; he never lets anyone see anything he doesn’t want them to see. The drugs, the depression and inferiority I knew about, but this is something I would never have predicted Jim to do.” Pike said as he wiped a tear out of his red-rimmed eyes.

Boyce wanted nothing more than to get up and hug his friend but knew that Chris needed to be seen as strong now or everything would crumble down. Pike looked up as more water brimmed in his eyes. Boyce continued to ignore it.

“Jim’s like a firework” Pike continued. “Everyone’s so awed by his brightness that they don’t see him fading away into nothing”

Boyce nodded in agreement “He’s still sedated for now until his vitals are stable, he… lost a lot of blood” Boyce said quietly changing the subject.

Pike looked up and shuddered at the thought “I don’t know what to do now. All I want to do is go up there and hug him until he knows he is wanted and cared for. I think the absence of his friends is hitting him harder than he lets on”

“Have you heard anything about them yet?” Boyce asked.

Pike shook his head “Nope, not in days”

“We need them back, both for his sake and the sake of the academy. I hear most of it’s in disarray since Spock left” Boyce sighed.

Pike tried to smile but failed miserably “I can imagine so, I think I should go now. I need to see that he’s alright”

“He’s going to be fine Chris, I don’t what state he’ll be in when he wakes up but as a precaution we’ve removed all possible objects that he could use to harm himself as well as keeping him on a much stronger anti-depressant until a proper evaluation can be done. We’re considering him a suicide risk. I’d be careful around him at first so as not to upset him further. He’s going to be pretty fragile right now.” Boyce warned.

“Noted Phil, and thank you” Pike said as he got up for the table.

“What for?” Boyce asked.

“For helping me understand” Pike said cryptically as he left.

Boyce shook his head fondly as he picked up the PADD and slammed it back onto the table hard enough so that the screen flickered and flashed off. Smiling to himself he also got up left and left the room; leaving the cold coffee and broken PADD for the cleaner to find and ponder over hours later.


	13. Apologies (Jim and Pike)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim wakes up and Pike pays him a visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a horrible human who had not updated in over two months. I apologise for this but I have been super busy. So I went to Poland for a few days on a school trip, then I had a ton of mock exams in December, Two controlled assessments (kinda like large projects that go toward your GCSE) and all the revision that goes with that.
> 
> But now I'm not as busy (I lie, I actaully have another controlled assessment starting monday and need to start my revision for my real exams, buy a prom dress, be able to fit into said dress and I'm going to Iceland in April) Even so I did manage to plan out when I want this story to go! so I kinda know what's gonna happen. I want to have it finished by September (when I start my a-levels) and hope for it to be about 60,000 words. I'm aiming for about 1000 words a week and more over my summer holidays and half term breaks.
> 
> Anyway I've ranted long enough so i hope you all had a lovely xmas and I promise to actually update more! (It's my new years resolution)

When he opened his eyes, the harsh white lights that had become so familiar to him assaulted him with their brightness. He felt groggy and weak and struggled to put together the events that had lead up to him feeling so awful.

He took stock of his body, his legs still felt weak and he doubted he could get up and there were a number a angry red lines over both of his wrists, covered with a shiny layer of dermigel to protect them.

Jim stared at the cuts, mesmerised and suddenly knew exactly what he had attempted to do. His memory was fuzzy but he could vaguely recall floating away blissfully and he bled out.

He wondered what he must have looked like; blood dripping from both of his wrists onto the pristine floor. He looked down and saw no mess; it was just as clean as it always was. That meant he must have been out a while.

He was still staring at the floor when the door opened and Pike walked in, holding a large coffee in one hand with a PADD under his arm. When he saw Jim awake his eyes widened and he looked as if he was going to turn and run back down the corridor.

Jim looked up at him sheepishly and nodded toward the chair as an invitation, there was a moment before Pike made his decision and took a seat, placing his drink and coffee on the bedside table. He looked as if he wanted to reach out to Jim but was restraining himself. Jim was thankful for it as the air between them was tense with previous events.

“I’m sorry,” They both said at the same time.

Pike waved his hand in a gesture to go first as he took a long drag of his drink.

“I’m sorry I cut myself. I’m sorry that I sent you that stupid letter and I’m really sorry that I’ve been a piece of shit” Jim babbled loudly, stumbling over his words as he waved his hands around.

Pike gave him a look of sympathy and let him carry on apologizing for things that had happened months of years ago. From the time he called Chris at three in morning, lost and drunk to come and pick him up to the that time over ten years ago that he broke the windscreen of Chris’ car with a baseball. Through all of it Pike stayed silent, occasionally taking a sip of his coffee with a shaky hand.

Jim suddenly went silent, apparent to have run out of meaningless things to say sorry for. They were both silent as they reflected together. The silence stretched on for minutes before Chris deemed it appropriate to speak.

“I’m sorry too Jim. I’m sorry for not trusting you, for making you stay at the academy. You should have the choice about what you want to do with your life when you get better. I’m sorry for not being there when you were younger, for not realising what the bastard was doing to you” Chris spoke softly.

Jim looked away from his piercing gaze and contemplated for a moment.

“What if I don’t want to get better,” He asked, picking at the sheets.

“Don’t you?” Pike replied defiantly.

Jim thought for a moment. Did he want to get better? In all honesty his attempt had scared him and he felt a sense of betrayal of not living up to Pike’s expectations.

“Yes”

“Yes I want to get better or yes I don’t want to get better”

“I don’t know” Jim replied honestly.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to decide now. Just please rest and don’t try anything like that again” His voice was strained and there was a haunted look in his eyes. Although he was wearing a clean uniform, the deep purple bags under his eyes betrayed his exhaustion.

“I should go and leave you in peace” He stood quickly and grabbed his empty cup and PADD, walking briskly toward the door. He halted on the threshold and turned back to face Jim.

“If you ever need to talk to me, I’ll always be available to you, anytime. Please remember that Jim” He turned and walked away before Jim could reply.

“ _Thank you”_ Jim whispered into the empty room, holding back tears.

 

 


	14. presents (Chapel and Leo)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo is seriously worried for the state of his clinic...

“Hey guess what! I got you a present” Chapel said cheerily as she breezed into Leo’s room at seven in the morning. She dropped an envelope and a box on the coffee table.  
Leo startled awake from his spot on the couch and promptly rolled off, landing with a thump on the floor. Chapel looked over at him as he got up blearily and rubbed at his eyes. He was wearing some old sweatpants and a hoodie and had stubble all over his face. Chapel thought that he looked pretty rough and needed a shower but kept her mouth shut for fear of igniting the grumpy beast that had fallen back onto the couch.  
“Wha- Chris, what are you doing here at ass o’clock in the morning. I’m trying to sleep!” Leo grouched. Chapel sighed; she’d failed to keep the best from rearing its head.  
“Shut up grumpy face, I got you some stuff so be grateful!” She said as she picked up the two packages and shoved them into his arms.  
Leo opened the envelope first; inside it was a letter from all the staff at the clinic. There was a lot of capital letters and rather rude words but the general jist of it was that the clinic was going to hell and he needed to come back or, to quote said letter: ‘we will fucking come over there and fucking stab you to death with fucking hyposprays then fucking revive you and fucking chain up inside the fucking clinic so you never fucking leave dickwad’. Despite the rather creative threats Leo couldn’t help but laugh. He reached for the second box and opened it.  
Inside was a large chocolate cupcake with ‘fucking save us!’ iced onto the top. He was getting pretty worried about his colleagues states if they were resorting to food to communicate.  
“I know right, we have to get you back asap” Chapel called as she breezed out of the room just as quickly as she’d come in, leaving her friend in stunned silence at his rude awakening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a really short chapter but I've been doing so much revision (it scares me how much work I've been doing)  
> Maybe another chapter tonight! who knows!


	15. Agreements (McCoy and Pike)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pike needs help, McCoy is the person who can give it.
> 
> or
> 
> finally some plot development

After a nice long shower, a muffin and being systematically ripped apart by Sasha’s cutting sarcasm. Leo was back in his room with a PADD and a large cup of coffee. He was just getting into heart bypasses on Andorians when the chime sounded on his door. He knew it couldn’t be Chris because she would just come right in, orderlies tended not to bother him and if it was one of his friends then, they also, would just come right in.

Dragging himself up and straightening his shirt he shuffled over to open the door. The man standing on the other side was not someone he was expecting. He vaguely recognised the man but couldn’t place him to anything specific. His stripes told Leo that he was a captain and his grey uniform was impeccable. Leo had no idea what he had done to warrant a visit from one of the higher ups.

“Can I help you?” McCoy asked when the man didn’t speak.

“Dr McCoy. Can I come in? I’d like to talk to you” The man said stiffly.

Leo was tempted to let him in just because he hadn’t called him ‘cadet’ but held his ground in the doorway.

“Who are you?”

“Captain Christopher Pike, I’m a friend of Dr Boyce’s” He explained.

McCoy narrowed his eyes at the man and assessed him carefully. If he was friends with Boyce then he was probably okay and even if he wasn’t, there wasn’t much Leo could do about it since the captain outranked him. His shoulders deflated as he stood back to let the man in.

Once they were both seated in the living area, Leo waited for the man to explain to him why exactly he was here.

A minute passes before the man steeled himself and began to speak “I’m here to ask for your help with a friend of mine. He’s in here too but up in the hospital wing, he was in a car accident a while ago but that’s the least of his problems”  Pike said calmly. McCoy nodded sympathetically at him.

“Anyway he’s rather… difficult but he’s allowed me to ask for some outside help. He’s a truly amazing kid and could really go far in life, but he had a rough hand in life and hasn’t got the cleanest of records. If he can channel himself into something, he’ll be great but right now he’s too volatile to even be on his own” Pike sighed.

The awkward silence continued until Leo spoke “If you don’t mind me asking what sort of problems are we talking about here?” McCoy asked gently, Pike seemed rather shaky right now.

Pike’s eyes met his “It’s not good. We’re talking depression, anxiety, trust and abandonment issues, drug abuse, self harm and a recent suicide attempt” Pike said quietly breaking eye contact.

McCoy’s fisted clenched, how was this kid even still functioning and what had even happened to him for him to be that messed up.

“Okay then, that’s pretty rough but how can I help?” Leo asked, his dormant ‘doctor mode’ switching on.

“I want to move him here, he’s been in the same room for too long and I think the isolation is getting to him. Boyce thinks it’s too soon but he’s starting to get better and I know you’re a doctor. He’s still on suicide but I don’t think he’ll try again, the last attempt really shocked him and proved just how bad he is, he’s opened up a bit to me and he’s willing to try.

McCoy thought back to a conversation he’s had with Boyce when he was still bedridden. Boyce had been talking about another bright cadet who was pretty messed up. Were they the same person?

“Sir if you don’t mind my asking but would this kid have almost been suffocated by some security personnel a while back?” McCoy asked

Pike looked up shocked “How did you know about that?”

“Something Boyce mentioned to me” McCoy said vaguely, he felt as if he has said the wrong thing.

“Anyway, here’s his medical file, it’s got all his stats and recent evals. Hopefully you can make a decision soon” Pike said quickly as he suddenly got up, his previously open expression was gone replaced by a cold professional one.

“Thank you sir. I’ll give you an answer as soon as I can” McCoy said honestly as Pike walked over to the door and opened it.

“Be sure you do doctor. He needs someone right now” Pike said cryptically as he hurried out the door which closed behind him.

For the second time today McCoy had been left hanging as someone escaped his room. He shook his head tiredly as he returned to the couch with the PADD Pike had given him, Andorian heart bypass long forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is the second chapter i promised. may have some mistakes as written in like half and hour. be kind and leave a comment if you liked it!


	16. Progress (Jim)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim gets a new therapist.

The small room was stuffed with bookshelves, piles of books that didn’t fit on said bookshelves and a large ornate wooden desk. The only light came from a small window set high up on the back wall, partially obscured by a globe and a lamp that cast a golden light on the mess of PADDs, papers and half-drunk coffee cups strewn on the desk.

Behind the desk was a tall, wiry man dressed in a simple white shirt and black slacks. He was about 50 years of age and had a pair of glasses perched on his nose. He was frantically rummaging through the mess on his desk, knocking off piles of PADDs and other bits.

Jim inspected the place with curiosity; it was like walking into the 20th century from the sleek modern Starfleet Medical with its white corridors and huge floor to ceiling windows. This small room, tucked away at the end of a desolate corridor felt like a secret that only he and the other man knew.

The rummaging abruptly stopped as Dr. Denton held a PADD aloft with triumph. He sat down heavily in his chair and pushed his glasses back up onto his nose, Jim relaxed slightly in the chair opposite him.

“So Jim, Captain Pike told me about your disastrous attempt with your last therapist and decided that sending you to someone else would be the best idea.” Denton said breezily as he skimmed over the PADD. “Ahh yes, seemed you’ve had quite the time of it lately. Hopefully we’ll be able to fix that and get you out of here as soon as we can.” he continued.

Jim instantly liked the man, he had a openness about him that Dr Santania could never hope to match with her cold office and calculating stare, just thinking about her made his shiver in the warm and cosy room.

Denton ignored his obvious moment of discomfort and carried on “Now, I know that you’re getting there physically from what Phillip has told me but I’m here to help you with the mental side of things. We’re lucky here in the 23rd century that mental illness is treated with the same importance as physical ones” He muttered as he placed the PADD gently on the desk so as not to cause any more destruction in the small space. “So Jim, how about we start with you giving me your version of events from wherever you think it all began. I’d like to get a feel of where the roots of your problems are. Feel free to leave out anything that you don’t feel comfortable talking about” He smiled encouragingly.

Jim looked up at his, shocked. So far no one had actually asked him about how he sees things, it had always been people telling him what had happened and how to feel about it. He felt unsure of how to proceed.

So Jim Kirk did what he did best, and improvised, taking a deep breath to steady himself he began to talk.

“To me, it all began the day I was born, my dad died for me and my mom and I don’t think she ever forgave him or me for his death. She was never around when I was a kid and even when she was she pretended as if I didn’t exist.” Jim said as steadily as he could.

“Then when I was three, she remarried Frank. He was a drunk and beat me regularly from a young age, did the same to my brother” Jim continued with clinical detachment.

“Then my brother left when I was thirteen and I did some stuff so Frank sent me away to live with my aunt and cousins, that… didn’t work out and by the time I got back I realised that no one really cared, Frank and Mom had moved so I just left. Travelled for a while then went back to Iowa. That’s when Pike found me and I came to academy, thought it would be a new start from my fucked up past. I was so wrong; everyone thinks I’m here on my Dad’s name and that I whore myself out for my good grades. I didn’t mean to get hit by the car, I just wasn’t paying attention. Everyone’s blowing this way out of proportion. I survived by myself for years before coming here, I’m not some dependent that needs help with everything!” Jim ground out.

Denton was leaning forward with his elbows on the desk, nodding along with interest. When Jim had finished he lent back against his chair and took a deep breath.

“That’s quite a story there Jim and from what I can tell you’ve never really had a stable home environment. You haven’t been able to form any permanent healthy relationships and have never been able to let anyone take care of you because you fear abandonment or abuse like you Mother or Step-father. Do you feel unsure of how to let anyone do things for you?” He asked at the end.

He was spot on with everything and it was a relief for someone to finally understand him. He didn’t feel all that comfortable opening to Denton fully yet but Chris had insisted and he really couldn’t say no after he promised he would try to get better.

“Yes, you’re right.” Jim said, keeping his answer short.

“Okay then, that’s good to know. I think that your lack of relationships is where your problems start. I’d like to ask you to write down people that you think that you have a good healthy relationship with” Denton said, pushing an old-fashioned notepad and paper toward him.

Jim reached forward to pick it up and drummed the pen against the paper for minutes trying to think of anyone. In the end he wrote Pike, Spock, Uhura, Gaila and Scotty. But only so it looked like he wasn’t a total loner.

“Very good Jim, now how many of those people do you trust fully, that you’d trust with your life”

Jim stared at the list again, mentally going through each name and asking if he would trust them with his life. He got to the bottom of the list and sighed, before placing the notepad back on the desk and shaking his head.

“None at all?” Denton asked.

Jim shook his head more forcefully but stayed silent, keeping his eyes down.

“Jim, would you like to be able to trust someone fully?”

Jim thought for a moment before answering, “Yes” he said quietly.

Denton smiled softly “That’s good, you’ve made the first step. So I see you again in two days, I hear that your friends aren’t around right now but I know Captain Pike sees you a lot, how about you start with him. I’d like you to tell him certain things about yourself. It doesn’t have to your entire life story but small things like your favourite colour or food.”

Jim nodded, he was relived that he wasn’t going to be forced into anything, but getting better aquatinted with Chris sounded like a good idea.

“That’s a good start, it’s all about making small steps toward a bigger goal. I want you to set yourself some short and long term goals. You don’t have to tell me what your goals are but I’d like to know if you making progress with them.” Denton murmured as he dug out a new notepad and pen, he handed them to Jim.

“That’s yours to keep, you can write whatever you want in it, thoughts and feelings, goals, lists or even draw a picture if that’s your thing. I think you should bring it to every session so you can write stuff down to remember, God knows I’m forgetting things all the time. Even where I put my notebooks!” Denton laughed.

That’s when Jim noticed a pile of notebooks, identical to his on the bookshelf behind Denton. He liked that the man wasn’t perfect and wasn’t demanding instant perfection from Jim either. He pocketed the pad and pen in the pocket of his sweatpants.

“Well I’m sorry to say that that’s out time for today, it’s been a pleasure to talk to you today and I hope you take into consideration what I said. If you want to talk anytime between now and out next session feel free to drop me a message.” Denton smiled kindly at him. “By the way, in our next session I’d like to talk about what’s happened to you more recently” Denton added just as there was a knock at the door.

Nurse Jenkins strode in carefully, avoiding the piles off books and other junk that was on the floor. Today her hair was pulled up into a tight bun and she carried a pair of crutches for Jim. Jim thanked Denton as Jenkins helped him up and onto the crutches. Denton watched them as they walked slowly to the door and out down the corridor as the door closed behind them.

Dr Shawn Denton heaved a sigh and pulled out his thermos of coffee to pour himself a cup. He didn’t think he had ever met a man more broken then Jim Kirk, however he also never met a man who was still a functioning as a human being after all that he had been through. He knew he was going to have his work cut out for him if he had any chance of healing a man that deserved to be healed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's a shitty writer who doesn't update their story when they say they will even though they have written like five chapters and has a whole week off to write. Correct that would be me.
> 
> Anyway, We're getting there. Should have to big introduction in a couple of chapters (how will it go? who knows? seriously I've written three.)
> 
> And My goal is to write another five chapters and check through the other five be the end of the week. I'm gonna try to get to 20,000 words with any luck.
> 
> Hope you are all well and weren't all loners like me.
> 
> TTFN


	17. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCoy makes his choice and Pike pisses him off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooh... so we're getting somewhere now. Next chapter's going to be a bit more of Jim/Pike.   
> And so the fluff begins.....

Leo finished reading, placed the PADD down heavily on the coffee table and stretched out, feeling his spine pop and creak. He sighed heavily and stared out of the window, over San Francisco.

He’d just finished reading the kid’s, James’, file. And boy was it a read, a dead father, absent mother, suspected abuse and drug addictions. It was a miracle this kid was still alive, let alone at Starfleet academy. Leo suspected that Captain Pike had something to do with his admittance.

Suddenly Leo couldn’t stand being in to too small room any more, he stood abruptly and pulled on the sweater that was draped over the back of the couch. He almost ran out the room and into the large lounge, the air felt stuffy and stagnant so he continued on through the double doors that led to the roof.

He ascended the stairs quickly and burst out through the doors at the top and inhaled the cool air deeply, calming himself. The area was quiet, a few doctors were having a cigarette and some patients were tending to the flowerbeds. No one had noticed him come out and have his little breakdown.

He walked over to the edge of the roof and sat himself down on one of the wooden benches that were placed overlooking the edge of the building. He clenched his fists tightly as he mulled over what he had read in that file. He knew about the Kelvin incident, it was required leaning in Federation history 101, but he never knew about the painful consequences of George Kirk’s sacrifice.

And he could be the one living with the guy. The list of his problems seemed to go on forever: depression, self-harm, suicide attempt, abandonment issues, drug problems and anxiety. But from his aptitude tests he wasn’t just some drop out idiot that got into the academy with his daddy’s name, this kid had brains and probably the potential to go far. But he was like a rough diamond at the moment.

Could Leo actually help the kid? He wasn’t exactly totally mentally stable himself at the moment, hadn’t been since the divorce. But compared to the kid…

Leo stopped his train of thought and stared over at the patients at the flower beds,  they were all working quietly, some with visible injuries. The gardening was obviously a form of therapy for these people and Leo could see the appeal, it was nice to have something alive that you could tend and keep healthy; it was why he had become a doctor. To help people and make them better.

That’s what he wanted to do with this kid, he hadn’t even met him but he got the feeling that being coddled would not be a good idea. He wanted to see what had made a decorated Starfleet Captain risk his career on a genius drug addict with a bucket load of issues, the curiosity made his mind up for him. Leonard was a healer and he was going to try and heal this kid. He’d spent far too much time stuck in here without anything important to do. Helping this kid would not only make him feel useful but also hopefully help him get out of here sooner than planned.

Standing up from his bench he turned to leave and came face to face with the very man he was about to contact. He was dressed just as impeccably as yesterday as he took a step back.

“I went to your room but you weren’t there, one of the nurses said she’d seen you come up here,” the Captain said in explanation.

“Yeah, I uh- finished reading the file you gave me… it was quite a read” Leo began, turning away from the Captain’s piercing gaze.

“Don’t I know it McCoy, but I’m not here to discuss what I already know. I need a decision soon so I know if I need to make… alternative arrangements for him” Pike said seriously.

“What sort of ‘alternative arrangements’ are you talking about” McCoy asked, ignoring the question.

“Somewhere away from Starfleet. I have a place in the Mojave and I have a friend who owns a convalescent home up in Montana.” Pike answered.

“Well, I don’t think you’ll need to, I’ll room with him. I’m a doctor and a doctor heals people,” McCoy countered with determination.

Pike raised his eyebrows “Are you sure that’s what you want McCoy, I can’t have you backing out of this later. I’m not gonna pretend that he’s going to be easy so I hope you’ve read over that file and know exactly what you are in for” Pike said back.

Angered flared inside Leo, how dare this man question his abilities as a doctor or a friend. “With all due respect _sir._ Don’t presume to know about my abilities or me. I’ve made my decision and I’m sticking to it. If you don’t want me with him then you shouldn’t have made the offer.” McCoy spat out.

Pike smirked “Well done McCoy, you’ve got the guts to stick up for yourself. I think you’ll both get along just fine”.

And without even saying goodbye, he turned and stalked off in the direction of the door, disappearing through it quickly. McCoy huffed in frustration and turned to go through the same door the Captain had just left via.

Despite what he had said, he had no idea of how exactly he was going to deal with a mentally damaged boy genius. He needed to call in reinforce


	18. Revelations (Jim and Pike)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Pike have yet another conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think it's time for some fluff.
> 
> Big meet to come in the next chapter..............

Jim was getting sick of this bed, of this room, of this hospital. As the nurse finally left after giving the seemingly endless hypos that he had to take every day he sighed and contemplated if he would get caught if he tried to escape this room. After his last attempt that hadn’t ended well he decided that staying put would be much better for his health.

His legs still weren’t in great condition, sure the bones were repaired but with such damage they were still weak and his muscles were atrophied so much that walking more than a little way without aid left him weak and on the verge of collapse. His physical therapist was working him hard but the progress was slow and Jim couldn’t help feeling useless laying here day after day.

To make matters worse, the withdrawal symptoms from his drug addiction had reared its ugly head making for sleepless nights, nervous twitches, and throwing up almost everything that he tried to eat. So right now Jim was not pleased when Chris came into his room with a large coffee, a signal that he was going to be here a while. Jim tried to sink further into the pillows; he just wanted to be on his own.

Chris ignored his obvious signs of discomfort and dragged the lone chair in the room over to the bed and sat himself down, like he had done many times. Chris set his coffee down and grabbed Jim’s hand as a sign of comfort. Jim resisted the urge to snatch it away and hide under the covers like he did when he was a kid, he knew from experience that it didn’t work to shield you from your problems. He left his hand where it was but turned his head away from Chris, silently conveying that he didn’t want to talk.

“The nurses have been telling about you latest symptoms, drugs are never a good idea Jim. Even you should have known that” Chris sighed.

“Save the lecture, coming to Starfleet wasn’t a good idea but I did that as well. Seemed I’m just one big fuck-up after another” Jim said acidly.

Chris turned his head to the side and frowned “That wasn’t what I meant Jim and you know it, I know it’s just the withdrawal symptoms that are making you feel this way but we need to talk about some things.” Chris replied kindly.

Jim groaned, he hated these ‘talks’ with Chris as much as he liked the guy; all the emotional bullshit was really getting on his nerved. He hoped this wouldn’t take long and could get back to brooding alone.

“So Chris what’s on the agenda for today” Jim said with fake cheer.

“Well firstly I want to ask you about your session with Dr Denton. He came highly recommended” Pike began.

Jim sighed with resignation “He’s a nice guy, not a complete dick and has a nice office, gave me a notepad to write things down in, its green my favourite colour.” Jim replied lightly, internally smiling to himself at his completion of Denton’s task he had set for him.

Pike smiled at nodded “That’s good, I’ll hope you’ll make some more progress with him than you did Santiana”

“That won’t be difficult, she’s a total bitch” Jim scoffed, sitting up higher in his mountain of pillows.

Chris laughed and nodded “she wasn’t the best fit for you, I agree”

“There’s also a question I wanted to ask you” Jim said tentatively, picking at a loose thread on his sheet.

“Fire away Jim” Pike replied, leaning back against the back of the chair, sipping at the coffee.

“When can I get out of here? Like not out of the hospital but out of this room. I’m not gonna kill myself as soon as I’m not on constant supervision.” Jim pleaded.

Chris looked shocked at his pleading and leant forward on his elbows “Well that wasn’t what I was expecting. I agree that you shouldn’t need to be on suicide watch now but do you really think you’re ready to be let out onto the ward. You’d have to be roomed with someone.” Chris warned him.

Jim thought through what he had revealed, it wasn’t going to be ideal having to live with someone who was there all the time but he had already lived with a roommate at the academy dorms and rumour had it that the rooms here were of premium quality compared to the cramped room he had been in. Thinking of that reminded him of all the possessions he had bothered to pack when he had been leaving.

“Also, what happened to all my stuff? You know my bag that I had when I was… leaving” Jim finished lamely.

Pike shuddered at the memory of the accident and gripped Jim’s hand again “I think it’s here in storage, your room at the academy was also cleared, I assume you don’t want to be going back there anytime soon” Pike explained.

Jim sighed in relief, it wasn’t that he hated his roommates but they were messy and had something about them that made Jim wary, they were typical jocks that would make great security officers but awful at anything that required higher brainpower. Jim felt as if he had to hide his intelligence from them and pretend to love football.

“Yeah it wasn’t the best place to live, too much beer and loud music.” Jim laughed quietly, relaxing for the first time in days. His withdrawal symptoms forgotten in the company of someone who cared about him.

“Ahh yes I remember my academy days-“ Chris began.

“Nonononono. I do not need to hear about what should stay in the past” Jim said with mock fear, covering his ears with his hands.

They both laughed throatily together and Chris finally caught a glimpse of the man that Jim could become. It renewed his hope that with the right people and the right help that Jim could reach his full potential.

“Fine, I won’t tell you about all the things that you could use to blackmail Boyce with” Chris said, smirking at Jim’s shocked expression.

“Are you telling me that the Surgeon General of Starfleet Medical was once a rebellious cadet, nah I bet he was just born an old man.” Jim retorted.

“Excuse you, we are not old. You youngsters have no respect for your elders and betters,” Chris said.

“You’re just living in the past old man, it’s time for us ‘youngsters’ to let all you old timers retire and move to a nice little condo in the country” Jim laughed.

Pike had an expression of outrage on his face that made Jim laugh even louder, unfortunately this made the constant pressure in his head increase. Jim groaned as the pain took over.

Pike’s laughter also stopped abruptly and he stood up to place a comforting hand on Jim’s hunched back. “Jim’s what’s wrong, should I go get someone” Chris said with worry in his voice.

“No, It’s just one of the symptoms of those stupid drugs, urgh I wish that that guy had never started me on them in that bar on Risa, God I’m such an idiot” Jim ground out.

“Hey, you can’t change the past now Jim, you’ve made some pretty big mistakes but you’re on the way to correct them now.” Chris said comfortingly, rubbing his back.

Jim didn’t replied except for the occasional groan of pain from his head, he appreciated Chris rubbing his back and as the pain decreased back down to a manageable level he could feel blood dripping from his nose. Before he could reach out for the box of tissues, Chris had one pressed up against his nose.

“’m not a kid” Jim complained.

“Shut up Jim, let me take care of you.” Chris replied, keeping the tissue pressed firmly against his nose.

Jim pouted but offered no more resistance; Chris took Jim’s silence as an opportunity to talk.

“Anyway as you were saying earlier, I think it is about time you got away from these four walls. I’ve got a place lined up to you on the open ward; it’s with another doctor who’s here with an alcohol problem. I’ve already given him all the info he needs and he’s already agreed. I’m sure Boyce will let you even with your legs.” Pike continued.

Jim grunted his agreement and pushed the tissue away from his face as the blood dried up. “Oh thank god! Will I finally be able to have my PADD back? I’m dying of boredom here!” Jim wailed.

Chris laughed at Jim being dramatic and ruffled his hair like a kid. He counted it as a win when Jim didn’t protest. He could see the signs of tiredness in Jim’s body as decided that it was time to make his exit.

“I think I’ll leave you to your rest and come see you tomorrow to finalise your move. Try to get some sleep tonight Jim, you’re looking tired” Pike said as he stood up and placed the chair back where he found it.

Jim had snuggled himself deep into his pillows and pulled his duvet tighter around himself “Sure thing Chris” He said sleepily.

Chris smiled over at the man and left quietly, closing the door and switching the light off as he left; glad that Jim was finally starting to make some progress in his recovery


	19. Introductions (Jim, Pike and Bones)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim finally meets his new roommate. It doesn't all go how they would like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are finally!!! The big introduction. It's not going to be an instant friendship between these two (that would be weird considering the story) So it may be a bit angsty or awkward for the next few chapters. I know most of you loved the Jim/Pike in the last chapter but we won't be seeing much of that anytime soon. I'm going to focus on Jim/Bones and jump ahead a bit in time. I also have a flashback chapter that introduces Spock, Uhura, Gaila etc in the story. (I promise there is a reason that they haven't been in here)
> 
> Anyway let us begin......

Chris walked into the room that had a buzz of activity about it, despite how Jim was only moving a couple of floors up, moving a man that still couldn’t walk and had been in the same place for over a month. Jim was seated on the edge of the bed, which had been stripped, in a pair of sweats, a hoodie and a pair of trainers. A nurse was setting up his mobile monitoring band that would keep track of all his vitals when he wasn’t directly attached to the machine.

Chris moved around: the pile of dirty sheet, the two other nurses and a trolley of medical equipment to get over to his protégé. Jim seemed content to let the nurse do what she wanted to his arm as he stared off into the distance. Chris could see the gears in his mind working, processing the major change that was about to happen. He knew Boyce and Denton had both done their separate exams to assess Jim’s suitability for leaving the place that provided constant supervision. After giving him the all clear, Dr Eaves, the physical therapist had given Jim a plan that he had to follow every day along with thrice-weekly sessions.

When Chris was finally in front of Jim, he had to wave his hand in front of his face to get Jim’s attention. Jim jumped when he noticed that Chris was right in front of him, he smiled up at him softly.

“Hey Jim, are you ready for the big move today?” Pike asked carefully.

“Yeah, you know, it’s just a big change. Didn’t know how used I gotten to only seeing about five people” Jim laughed hollowly.

Although Jim was putting a show at being cool and calm about this, but Chris could see the tension and nervousness that was thrumming through him. He placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and squeezed, feeling the fineness of his bones that he shouldn’t be able to feel. Being bedridden for weeks had done nothing to help Jim regain any of the weight he had lost. Chris hoped that being out of here would help him build up some of what he had lost.

Boyce entered the room in a flurry of movement; he was holding a couple of PADDs and a mug of steaming liquid. He handed the PADDs off the Jenkins before making his way over to Jim.

“Hey Jim, I got you this” He said, handing the mug over to Jim, who gripped it with both hands and raised it to his nose to smell the unidentified liquid.

“It’s chamomile tea Jim, it helps with nerves” Boyce explained.

Jim nodded his thanks and took a sip. Smiling as he felt the heat seep through him, relaxing his tense muscles.  The nurse finished setting up the bracelet and stood back to let the other two men talk to Jim.

“Well then, I think we’re all ready to go!” Boyce said happily, clapping Jim lightly on the back to which Jim smiled up at him.

“Yes, your rooms been prepared and all your stuff moved in and your new roommate’s expecting you” Pike continued.

A nurse came over and handed Jim his crutches so he could stand, it wasn’t going to be far to the ward but Jim still needed the support. Standing up and getting on to them, Jim gritted his teeth and started to walk out of the room.

They made slow progress down the corridor towards the lift, Jim hobbling along with Pike in front and Boyce behind him. Jim sighed in relief when they got onto the lift and he could lean back against the mirrored wall to rest. They stood in awkward silence as the lift ascended upwards.

When the doors opened they were met with a small but neat reception area where a large, smiley nurse was sitting, talking on the phone. She nodded brightly at them as they came past her. Boyce swiped his card through the reader at the end of the corridor to get through the large double doors.

Jim’s first impression of the ward was that it was much nicer than he had expected, a large skylight illuminated the round space to which doors lead off in every direction. On the opposite side to the one they had come through was another set of double doors, that Jim could see, lead to another corridor. He glanced around at all the doors, trying to work out which one was his.

He needn’t have worried since Boyce took the lead and led them over to a door that was near the entrance they had come through. Jim thanked whatever deity may be up there that he wasn’t going to have to walk all the way across the expansive room.

When Jim got to the door, he was hit by a wave of utter fear, all of this had come on far too quickly for him to be bale to process all of it and Jim couldn’t deny that he was on the verge or turning around and hobbling away as fast as his legs could carry him.

Unfortunately Chris was standing right behind him, blocking any chance of escape, besides where would he go, it wasn’t like he wanted to go back to that god awful room that had held him prisoner for the last month. Jim steeled himself as Boyce opened the door.

Inside was a spacious studio room, which reminded Jim of an upmarket hotel. The beds were toward the back of the room with a door leading to the bathroom, there was a partition that separated the sleeping area from the lounge that had a wide bookcase, a sofa and a chair situated around a wooden coffee table.

Jim surveyed the room with disinterest, as long as it wasn’t a hospital room he didn’t care. It was only when he glanced around the second time did he notice the other occupant of the room, who was sitting on the sofa reading off a PADD.

Boyce and Pike guided Jim over to the chair and sat him down in it, the noise roused mystery guy from whatever he was reading. He looked up and locked his hazel eyes with Jim’s, assessing him. Jim shrunk back under his piercing gaze.

The room was frozen in silence until Pike gave Jim a poke in the ribs and said, “Aren’t you going to introduce yourself?”

Jim sighed, “Hey, I’m Jim Kirk and I’m a fuck up” He said bitterly.

Leo rose his eyebrows in surprise, from the murderous look Pike was giving him to the barely concealed exasperation from Boyce, this was not exactly how they wanted this to pan out.

Well fuck them and there ‘plans’, they had already pissed Leo off enough, it was time to get some revenge.

“Nice to meet you Jim, I’m _Doctor_ Leonard McCoy and I’m also a fuck up” He said with as much sarcasm and false cheer as he could muster.

Pike’s murderous glare was now fixed on him as he barely held back laughter, Jim was smirking down at himself, obviously pleased at what had happened.

Pike let out a long and drawn out sigh, “Well it seems you to can get along just fine, I think I’ll leave you to get to know each other better. Jim if you need anything feel free to drop me a message alright?” Pike said as he turned to leave.

That’s when Leo noticed Jim’s smile drop off his face, replaced by one of fear and uncertainty. This kid was obviously not happy with being left alone with someone he had just met minutes ago. This didn’t surprise him; he’d read the kid’s file.

Pike noticed Jim’s change and came back over, standing in front of him and placing his hands on Jim’s shoulders to comfort him, “Jim I promise that I wouldn’t be leaving you here with Dr McCoy if you weren’t totally safe. There’s an emergency red button by the door if you need it all right? We talked about this and you know that you can do it; it’s just going to take some time to readjust. I’ll come by and see you tomorrow if I’m not busy alright?” Pike said comfortingly.

Jim took a deep breath and nodded, Pike nodded back at him and stood up again, walking back over to the door where Boyce had been watching the interaction between the two. They both left quietly, leaving Jim and Leo alone.

As soon as they had gone Leo could see Jim tense up again. Leo thought that maybe getting to know each other would maybe make things better between them.

“So Jim, where do you come from,” Leo asked even through he knew the answer.

“Iowa” Jim said tersely, his reluctance for conversation obvious.

“Never been there my self, I’m from Georgia” Leo continued, hoping to spark some conversation.

But no matter what he asked, he couldn’t get the conversation flowing, Jim just sat there wound as tight as he could get and stared off into space. Leo gave up with getting the kid to talk and went back to his reading, letting the room fall back into silence.

He looked up five minutes later when Jim struggled up and out of the chair to hobble over to his bed that had been made this morning. He sat down heavily on it and opened the drawer, puling out a pair of ear buds and a music player. He jammed them into his ears and lay down, facing the wall. Leonard could hear the tinny sound of rock music filtering through the room.

_This was not going to be easy_ , Leonard thought


	20. Cohabitation (Jim and McCoy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim won't talk and Leo's getting desperate

Leo would have loved to say that over the next two weeks Jim warmed up to him. But that would be a lie, despite trying his best to coax him out of his self-imposed solitude; Jim remained as infuriating and mysterious as ever.

He was tidy, although that was probably due to lack of belongings, his half of the bookcase was almost bare compared to Leo’s and his nightstand only had a cup of water and a clock on it, while Leo’s was a mess of PADDs, books, cups and mints. Overall it looked like there was still only one person living in the room.

Jim wasn’t infuriating in the conventional sense. He just wouldn’t talk to Leo, sure he said a terse good morning and thanked him quickly if Leo helped him with his crutches occasionally. But it was obvious that Jim didn’t want to know about Leo and didn’t want Leo to know anything about him.

Like now for example, it was breakfast and Leo was sitting on a table with his friends, they were all talking together. Leo had forbade Jim from sitting on his own and made him sit with them. Although this had done nothing to help Leo get Jim to talk, he sat on the end with his head down, picking at his food. He answered with short replies and never looked anyone in the eye, they had stopped after the first three days and Jim seemed content with sitting on the end.

Back in their room they had developed a routine, they would both get up at eight, Jim would mutter a ‘good morning’ and disappear into the bathroom to shower and get dressed. While he was doing this Leo would check his mail and watch the news before using the bathroom after Jim. When he came out Jim would be sitting on the chair reading one of his books until Leo made him get up to go to Breakfast. Jim would pick up a bowl of oatmeal and pick at it while the others talked and ate. Then Jim would normally have a therapy session or do his exercises while Leo left and sat out in the lounge to give Jim some privacy. He would go back two hours later to find Jim, freshly showered, lying on his bed with his ear buds in and facing the wall. Then Leo would force him out again for lunch. After that they would have to go outside, where Leo would play table tennis and Jim, unable to take part in anything at the moment, would sit on one of the benches as far away as possible from everyone else. Then it was dinner, a repeat of lunch and breakfast. Finally Jim would put his headphones back in and go to bed while Leo stayed up reading.

And Leo was getting bored of this; he hated living with someone who had this invisible barrier that didn’t let anyone in, especially Leo. Jim was just so passive about everything, he did whatever Leo asked of him but refused to do anything that wasn’t totally necessary for himself.

But over those two weeks, Leo did find some things out about Jim. Firstly, he hated being touched. He would tense up and shy away; to Leo it spoke of the years of abuse Jim had suffered. Secondly, he liked 20th century rock music. He found this out because Jim’s ear buds weren’t the best and meant that Leo could hear it when Jim had it switched on full volume. Thirdly Jim was smart, really smart. He’d been browsing Jim’s library on his PADD one day, (Jim was in the shower and Leo could help his curiosity) and found books on warp physics that were collage level and above. Finally that Jim had nightmares, he didn’t scream, thrash or cry out but he curled himself up into a ball in the corner of his bed and shook. Leo had found out that trying to wake him was not a good idea and he’d ended up with a sharp foot in the gut. Now he just had to lie awake and listen to Jim’s quiet sobs.

He knew that Jim did talk; to Pike and his therapist as they’d told him when he was giving his weekly report that Boyce had forced him into. They reassured him that Jim was ‘a stubborn little shit’ and that he’d come around soon enough, but Leo wasn’t convinced that Jim wouldn’t just keep ignoring him until one of them left.

Leo was getting desperate and he needed to call in reinforcements.


	21. Reinforcements (McCoy and Chapel)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapel suggests something that may get Jim talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh yes, here we go. I'm not putting in many chapters where they don't get on (I don't like it) so it's going to get a bit better now (yay)

Leo’s saving grace came in the form of Christine Chapel. She dropped by the room just as Jim was leaving. He gave her a nod but no more. When the door had closed behind her she raised her eyebrows at Leo, he just sighed back.

“So I take it that it the problem you need help with?” She asked, wandering around the room.

Leo nodded “Yep, barely says anything to me. He’s like a fucking robot”

“hmm” Chapel replied distractedly, as she browsed along the bookcase. “What else can you tell me about Mr. Chatterbox”

Leo smirked at the nickname “Well, he’s got a bucket load of problems and the meds to go with them. Pretty much abandoned from birth by his mom and abused by his stepfather. It doesn’t get much better to be honest.” Leo sighed.

Chapel finished her exploration of the room and sat down in Jim’s chair, crossing her legs over daintily. “I don’t think he trusts you that’s for sure, he had this really wary look about him when I came in. Definite trust issues there. Hasn’t got much stuff either and most of it looks old, so it’s probably got some sentimental value rather than usefulness.” She trailed off, looking over at Jim’s small pile of books on the shelf.

“Leo, you said he’s smart right? And that he reads his books a lot. There are only about five books there. It wouldn’t take him long to get through them so he’s probably read them over and over again.” She continued.

Leo looked confused “And your point is?” He prompted.

Chapel jumped up and hit him playfully over the head, “Leo you idiot! That’s how you show him you care about him!” She cried.

Leo still had no idea what she was on about, how could a pile of old books help him and Jim bond? “What? I still don’t know what you’re getting at”

She gave him a look, “Leo! Buy him a new book, I bet he loves proper paper books.” Chapel explained.

Oh. That actually made a lot of sense, proper paper books weren’t cheap these days and Jim probably couldn’t afford new ones. Chapel was a genius!

“Christine Chapel you not only a beautiful woman but a fucking genius as well” Leo laughed, pulling her into a tight hug.

Chapel hugged him back, “See I knew that you haven’t lost your touch just yet!” She laughed back, seating herself next to him on the sofa. “So now we just need to decide which book to get him” Chapel continued, bringing them both back down to Earth after their happiness.

Leo got up and walked over to the bookshelf, looking over the books Jim owned. Two were about physics and starship tactics and the other three seemed to be part of a series. Leo picked on up, it was written at the very end of the 20th century from what the blurb said, was about wizards at a boarding school. Turning to the front page, Leo read down the list of other books. There were seven in total but Jim only had the first three. It seemed obvious what he was going to buy Jim.

Placing the book back where he had found it and turned back around to Chapel, who was looking at him expectantly. He ignored her for the moment and picked up his PADD, entering the name if the next book, a number of book and auction sites came up, offering him numerous options of where he could get a paper copy. He clicked on the website of a small bookshop in downtown San Francisco.

“Leo, are you gonna tell me what you’re doing?” Chapel asked, snatching the PADD away from him.

She scrolled down the page before handing the PADD back to Leo, nodding her approval, “Nice, I think he’ll like it. Actually this place is near my favourite coffee shop, I could always go pick it up for you. You know, since you’re trapped in here and all. I may even bring you a decent coffee,” Chapel proposed.

Leo felt like hugging the woman all over again, “Chris, you are descended from the gods and I love you”

“Yeah well, I highly doubt that Jim is just gonna come running into your arms as soon as you give it to him, although what fine arms they are” She pointed out, blatantly staring at his enlarged biceps.

Leo rolled his eyes at her and continued through to the online checkout to pay, it wasn’t as expensive as he thought it would be, which was good, Starfleet cadets didn’t get paid as much as private doctors.

“There. All done! Would you be able to go pick it up tomorrow please?” He asked Chapel.

“Sure thing Leo, I’ll bring it round tomorrow morning” Chapel said kindly as she stood up to leave.

“Thanks Chris, I just hope that it works” He replied, walking her to the door.

“Me too Leo, me too” She said quietly as she left.


	22. GIfts

Jim was exhausted, physically and mentally. Between sessions with Dr. Denton, physical therapy and having to deal with McCoy on a daily basis, he barely had any time to himself. He didn’t blame McCoy for his lack wanting to socialise, he just really didn’t want to make any new friends. He had never seen the need to have people around you all the time, from personal experience people only befriended you if they wanted something.

He was walking slowly back from his latest session with Denton, he had started pushing Jim slightly harder to talk and open up, but would always back off when he sensed Jim was getting distressed, that’s what he like about the man; he cared about how his patients were feeling now, not just making them better.

He was finally down to just one crutch after week of physical therapy, he was slightly more polite to Dr Eaves now, he actually said ‘please will you fuck off’ instead the the far ruder ‘fuck off’. The lift deposited in the reception area and he limped out, Brenda the nurse on the desk waved to him and smiled, buzzing him back onto the ward.

He ignored everyone in favour of hobbling back to his room, hoping to God that McCoy wasn’t there, he hated that Pike had given the doctor permission to make sure that he ate, washed and took his meds. It was like living with a nanny; a six foot southern nanny with the stubbornness of a bull. Thankfully when the door slid open and took a look around, the room was empty. Jim took a deep, calming breath and walked over to the armchair, landing heavily in it.

He dug out the book he had stuffed down the side before he left and when he couldn’t find it, looked up to see if had left it on the shelf, that’s when he noticed the wrapped package sitting innocently on the coffee table. Curious, Jim reached out picked it up, his search for his book forgotten. Turning the tag over, he almost dropped it when he saw that it was for him, written there in neat curly writing was his name. Jim was frozen in shock, from the shape and weight of the package he could tell what it was. Looking around the room to make sure that there was definitely no one in the room watching him, he carefully tore off the wrapping paper to reveal what was inside.

Turning it over to see the cover, he gasped in surprise. He’d been saving up for the book for ages, but his drug addiction had made the task almost impossible. He stroked the cover reverently, reading the title _‘The Goblet of Fire’._ He’d read before on his PADD but that would never compare to the real thing.

He wondered who had sent it, Pike would have just given it to him instead of just leaving it and he couldn’t think of anyone else that would give him something like this.

Unless… Could have McCoy got it for him, he barely spoke to the man but maybe this was some twisted way to get him trust him so he could abuse him later. Despite what his mind was screaming at him, McCoy didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would do that and he knew that if he was, Pike would skin him alive. Maybe having people caring about you wasn’t so overrated after all.

If McCoy was willing to spend the money on getting him a gift like this, then Jim supposed he really should put some effort into being friends with the guy. As long as McCoy didn’t insist on being all buddy buddy, singing around the campfire together and shit, it probably wouldn’t be too bad. He settled back into the chair and opened the book to the first page, letting the familiar words wash over him.

\-----

Leo had no idea what to expect as he wandered back to the room; the best case scenario was that Jim loved the gift, stopped being so quiet, they became friends and all their problems were solved. The worst case scenario… a flood of horrible images came to Leo’s mind which he squashed down in favour of the more realistic options; Jim would probably accept the gift but still stay quiet or he would refuse the gift and things would get even worse.

He didn’t even notice that he was standing outside their door like an idiot, so steeling himself against the unknown on the other side, he pressed the button to open the door.

When the door slid open, Leo took a cautious step inside and looked around. He was pleasantly surprised by what he found: Instead of being curled up tensely in the corner of his bed, facing away from the wall; Jim was sitting on, what had become, his chair with his headphones in. Leo was happy to see that Jim was reading the book with rapt interest but had still noticed Leo him come in. Jim looked up at him and gave him a small but grateful smile. Leo had to hold himself back from hugging Jim at the small sign of a friendship.

Leo made his way over to the couch and sat down, picking up his PADD. He didn’t want to break the fragile break in Jim’s hostility by saying anything wrong. He mirrored Jim’s stance on the chair and began to catch up on his reading for Interspecies Ethics, a small smile playing on his lips.


	23. Flashback (Spock, Pike, Gaila, Uhura, Thaleb)

Spock was interrupted from his morning mediation by the shill whistle of his comm.. Supressing the wave of irritation, he stood gracefully and walked over to his desk to pick it up and press it to his ear.

“Commander Spock.” He greeted coldly, as much as he suppressed his emotions, he couldn’t help the small bit of annoyance seep into his voice. He had not had a chance to meditate properly as he was in the labs late last night to monitor an experiment.

 _Spock? It’s Chris; look there’s been an accident. It-It’s Jim he was hit by a car this morning at the edge of the academy. Oh God it was awful there was blood everywhere and- and-“_ Pike managed to get out before he descended into frantic sobs, the sounds of a hospital could be heard in the background.

Spock had to take a moment to regain his composure, as he sat down rather ungracefully onto his desk chair, gripping the comm. even tighter.

“Christopher, why was Jim out so early at the edge of campus?” Spock asked back.

He had to wait for Pike’s answer, _We fou-fought yesterday, he was trying to take on even more classes and I said no because I don’t want him to burn out and fail, he’s already so fragile mentally…_ Pike trailed off again.

Spock was concerned with Jim’s mental state, he had not seen the man for over a week, Spock had cancelled their chess game last night due to his experiment. He hoped that it had not been a factor in Jim’s accident.

“Are you sure that what has happened to Jim was an accident and not his own doing?” Spock asked.

An audible gasp could be heard from the other end. _I don’t know Spock, He hasn’t been in his right mind for the last few days and yesterday I just thought that he would cool off and continue on. I should have gone after him when he stormed out of my office, this is my entire fault._ Pike started sobbing again.

“Christopher, what is done is done and regretting past actions won’t help. From what you have told me Jim has not been stable for long before you fought, it could have just as easily as been another event over the last week that led to this incident. For now all you can do is make sure Jim had the best doctors on his case and will get the appropriate care for all of his needs.” Spock comforted, something he had never had to do before in his life.

He could hear Pike’s sobbing stop and him take a deep breath. _Thank you Spock, I needed that. Would you be able to call his other friends and tell them what’s happened? I need to be here for Jim if makes it out of surgery. His legs are pretty messed up and they think he may have punctured a lung. I have to go Spock; I’ll try and give you an update later._ Pike said as he hung up the comm.

Spock continued sitting for 5.46 more minutes, thinking over what he had just heard. James Kirk was an enigma to him but provided him with an intellect that rivalled his own in some areas. It gave him a break from the general sub-par intelligence of the rest of the academy. What Spock had heard had been troubling, it was not hard to notice that Jim had not had a normal upbringing and was having trouble with substance abuse. Spock had never mentioned it because he felt that it was not his place, he illogically wished that he had said something even if it did incite anger within his friend.

He surpassed his train of thought in favour of calling Jim’s friends, at this early hour he knew that only Nyota would be awake. He entered her frequency and waited for her to pick up….

\----

Nyota swore she would never drink again as her comm roused her from her alcohol induced slumber, courtesy of Gaila, who was also slumped haphazardly on her own bed, wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and a bra.

She knocked half the junk on her nightstand to the ground as she fumbled for her comm, pressing it clumsily to her ear and muttering a sleepy hello.

 _Nyota, are you awake?_ She cursed as she heard Spock’s voice filter through the device.

“Yeah Spock, I’ve just woken up, why are you calling so early” She said, slightly more awake with concern, Spock would never call at this time of the morning unless it was something important.

 _I called on Captain Pike’s wishes, Jim was hit by a car this morning and sustained serious injuries, and he is in surgery now._ Spock said quickly and Nyota was glad for Spock’s ability to get to the point quickly. She rolled out of the bed and stood up, pacing across the messy room, avoiding all manner of clothes and beauty products that had been strewn there the night before.

“What! I can’t believe it, why was Jim all the way out at the edge of campus so early?” She asked him loudly, rousing Gaila.

 _He and Captain Pike had an argument yesterday, he believes that Jim was not in a stable state of mind and may have walked out in front of the car deliberately, however nothing has been proven so far. Christopher said he would call back later with more information but until then would you inform cadet Gaila of the situation. I must bid you goodbye Nyota as I wish to make a visit to the hospital before I begin my classes for the day. I promise to call if there are any new developments. Goodbye Nyota._ Spock promised her before hanging up after she had said her goodbyes. When she put the comm back down, Gaila was staring at her blearily.

“Why was Spock calling so early?” She asked, pulling on a T-shirt and some fluffy socks.

Nyota rubbed a hand over her face, “Jim’s been in an accident” was all that she could manage.

“What do you mean? Like the time he got really drunk and dislocated his shoulder when trying to get his shirt off, that was hilarious” She giggled.

Nyota stared in shock at her friend, “No. He was hit by car this morning at the edge of campus, Spock thinks he may have done it deliberately” She said quickly.

Gaila sobered and paused when pulling on a pair of jeans, “I don’t understand why would Jim walk out in front of a car unless…” She trailed off as realisation hit her.

Nyota saw that Gaila was on the verge of a mental breakdown, she sat down beside her and pulled her into a tight hug and let Gaila mutter all her worries and concerns about Jim into her shoulder as she cried.

They stayed like that until Nyota saw the time and realised she was going to be late unless she started getting ready now, Gaila didn’t have any classes today, just a practical session in one of the hangers in the afternoon.

“Look I need to go get ready, I don’t think I can just sit here and wait for news, I need to do something to keep me busy. If Spock calls with any new information, I’ll tell you alright.” She said as she extracted herself out of Gaila’s arms and headed off to the bathroom for a shower.

Once she was dressed in her cadet reds, Gaila was also dressed in jeans and a plain t-shirt; her face was devoid of make-up, a sign that she was really affected by Jim’s accident. She gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek before grabbing her bag and leaving.

Once she was out of the room she took a moment to take a deep breath and calm her. Putting on a determined expression she headed off to her first class of the day.

\---

Thaleb was already at the hospital when Spock called to inform him, their conversation was short thanks to awkwardness of their species disagreements. Personally Thaleb found no fault with Spock and thought him a noble warrior but a man of few words, which he could respect.

Thaleb had also been nearby when the accident took place; he was heading home from a late night study session at a friend’s apartment that was off campus. He had noticed the commotion and gone over to take a look. When he arrived he saw a sickening pool of red, human blood and a man being loaded into an ambulance. His sight allowed him to identify the man that law motionless on the stretcher. He thought of Jim as a close friend and comrade and vowed to follow him to the hospital to assess his condition.

The ambulance had arrived much faster than he had on foot and by the time he was in the waiting room outside the operating theatre, another man was already there, blood smattering over his workout clothes. He had met Captain Pike only once, and that was to receive an award at the end of his first year for excellent performance in hand-to-hand combat.

He had handed the man his jumper to replace the dirty one, which the Captain had taken gratefully. They spoke briefly about Jim and what had happened but the weight of the events sitting over them made them lapse into silence quickly as they waited for any news on Jim.

Thaleb had liked Jim when he turned up in the advanced hand-to-hand combat class at the beginning of the year; he had always been willing to learn and a worthy opponent even for an Andorian like himself. They had spent many an evening in the small bar about half a mile off campus discussing tactics and great battles; Thaleb enjoyed telling him about the rich culture of his home planet.

He had been dragged out of his thoughts by the arrival of the Vulcan; they had shared quick greetings before sitting down to wait together. It had been three hours since Jim had been admitted to surgery and so far there had been no word as to the status of their friend…

After another hour in tense silence, Spock was forced to leave to teach his first class but was quickly replaced by an unusually sombre Gaila, who sat down without a word.

Thaleb had no classes that day and had already informed his instructor that he would not be able to attend his combat class that evening. There was nothing left for him to do but wait.

Six hours and four rounds of coffee later, a lone nurse walked out of the operating theatre, clad in bloody scrubs that didn’t bode well for Jim’s condition. She must have noticed their expressions of fear and sadness, as she was quick to assure them that Jim was alive.

“Jim is alive but still in a critical condition, Dr. Boyce is just finishing up in there but told me to come out here and tell you guys what his state is” She began as she tore off the bloody scrubs and dumped them in a bin. “I won’t lie and say that he’s definitely going to make it, he’s lost a lot of blood and one of his broken ribs punctured his lung, his legs have been set but will need more work on them but the head injury was the worst, we removed part of the skull to relieve the pressure however he did crash three times. At the moment we have him on transfusion, fluids to replace all the lost blood and a respirator to help his breath. He made it through the surgery, which is a good sign, and we should be able to move him to the ICU in a little while. I will warm you though, he doesn’t look very good right now, part of his face was scraped and cut during the incident but a few sessions with a dermal regenerator should fix it up without any scars. I have to go back to help move him to recovery where you’ll be able to see him.” She finished as lightly as she could, turning away to go back into the operating theatre.

“Sorry, but could you tell me if he woke up or said anything?” Pike asked desperately.

The nurse sighed before turning back around to face them, they could see tears in her eyes, “he woke up briefly when we were working to stabilise him before surgery, he said ‘I don’t want to be here’ he seemed really stressed about being here, but he wasn’t lucid and had a lot of medications in his system, so I wouldn’t take any of it to heart” She said comfortingly before she turned away and re-entered the theatre.

Half an hour later Jim was pushed out of the room on a bio-bed and down the corridor away from them. Boyce was forced to physically hold Pike back from following and eventually took him away to sit him down with a cup of coffee. He approached the other two after.

“ I assume you Jim’s friends?” He asked and they nodded their agreement. “I’m Dr Phillip Boyce, I did the surgery today on Jim. He still isn’t out of the woods yet but he made it through the surgery which is a good sign. You wont be able to see him today as we have him on strong anaesthetics that weaken his immune sytem and we had to leave a hole in his chest open so we can drain it to make sure his lungs can work, so we can’t risk an infection from an outside source at the moment. I think it would be best if you all went back to your dorms for now. I’ll be able to call you both and Chris with an update later this evening. Is there anyone else that I need to inform as well?” He asked at the end.

“Uh, Commander Spock and Cadet Nyota Uhura” Gaila added.

Boyce nodded and turned away to go down the same corridor as Jim had been down moments before.

Gaila and Thaleb shared a look and decided that it would be best if they left Jim’s care to the professionals and they trusted that Boyce would inform them all of any developments. They went over the to Pike’s side, he was clutching a coffee in shaking hands, when they tried to get him up she shrugged them off and told them he would stay with Jim. Even though Boyce had told them all to go back to the academy, it was good to know that someone that knew Jim would be near him.

They said quick goodbyes to the Captain before leaving the hospital to go back to their dorms and await news on Jim’s health…

 

 


	24. Therapy (Jim)

Denton’s office had become a familiar comfort to him as Jim sat himself down in one of the comfy chairs opposite Denton’s desk. The man himself had just finished pouring them a both cups of tea from his thermos, and was now sitting back in his chair.

“So Jim, how have you been since we last saw each other?” Denton asked sincerely

Jim placed his own cup down and thought for a moment, “McCoy gave me a book” he said shortly.

“Really, a real one? And how do you feel about that Jim?” Denton continued his questioning.

“Um, I felt happy that he felt me good enough to buy a gift but I also felt guilty” Jim replied honestly.

“Okay, and why did you feel guilty about it?” Denton pressed, leaning forward in his chair.

Jim broke eye contact and looked up out of the small window, “I haven’t been very nice to him since we met, I didn’t think I deserved anything from him. He’s been nothing but nice to me.”

“So because you have been struggling to form a relationship with Leonard, you believe that you are unworthy of anything from him?” Denton supplied

“Yes” Jim agreed.

“Does Leonard seem like the type of man who would be forced into doing anything? Have you thought that maybe Leonard wishes to be friends with you and this gift was him trying to get you to understand his intentions and trust him more?” Denton Continued, giving Jim a look across the desk that separated them.

“I.. uh… no. I hadn’t thought about that” Jim muttered.

“Jim, I think that Leonard just wants to be friends with you. But has he expected anything more out of you since he gave you the book?”

“No, nothings changed”

“See, that’s how a healthy friendship starts, not every action needs to be reciprocated. If you still don’t feel comfortable with opening up to Leonard then don’t but if you feel that it’s something you want to do then go ahead. Leonard won’t take any more from you than you’re willing to give and you should be able to trust him to do that” Denton explained, placing his drained cup down on the desk.

“I think I want to get on better terms with him, but I have no idea how”

“Okay Jim, that’s a great start! How about you start small, offer a greeting and ask questions. Nothing massive just try to find out more about him like his favourite foods, films etcetera.”

“Thanks, I’ll try that.” Jim replied earnestly, writing the advice down in his notebook.

“That’s good Jim, it’s important that you try your best to make new relationships” Denton smiled at him. “Now, today I’d like to talk more about your childhood, specifically your time with your stepfather.” Denton said cautiously, changing the subject.

“I- okay” Jim said slowly, obviously uncomfortable with the subject.

“Firstly I’d like you to tell me what emotions come to mind when you think of you stepfather” Denton began.

Jim paused for a moment and tensed up, “Uh- fear, pain, guilt…” Jim trailed off.

“Why guilt Jim? Frank was meant to look after you, what he did wasn’t any of your fault. No child deserves to be hurt by the one who is supposed to take care of them” Denton told him, a hint of force into his voice.

Jim sat back, taking some deep breaths to calm himself, “I feel that if I hadn’t been such a difficult child that Frank wouldn’t have been so harsh.” Jim continued, his breathing was getting harsher.

“Jim, Frank wasn’t just harsh on you, he abused you Jim. There’s big difference, what he did wasn’t right and none of it was your fault. And it what ways were you a difficult child Jim?” Denton continued his questioning.

“I fought a lot, in school and out, I didn’t listen to him, skipped school.” Jim listed off.

“When did the abuse start, try to be as specific as possible?” Denton said, taking a different turn.

Jim tensed up again, his shoulders hunched, he gripped the pen in his hand even tighter. “I think I was about six, Frank had just lost his job and was drinking a lot. I dropped a plate when I was emptying the dish washer, he came in and-“ Jim had to stop to collect himself, tears threatening to leak out of his eyes.

“Jim if you need to stop…” Denton said with concern in his voice.

“No! I need to say this” Jim ground out, “Frank heard the plate smash and came into the kitchen, I’d never seen his so angry before and he lumbered up to me and God, I was so scared… Then he raised his hand and hit me, over the head… after that h-he just left me there on the floor a-and went back to watching TV, li-like nothing had even happened” Jim stuttered out, hunched over in the chair.

“Okay Jim, I think that’s enough for today, it’s good that you are opening up about the abuse you’ve been through. It will hopefully allow you to move past it so it won’t affect your life anymore” Denton said as he pulled open one of the drawers in his desk and rummaged around before pulling out a box.

Jim had managed to calm himself down by the time Denton had finished hunting out what he wanted. His grip on the pad and pen had loosened and he raked a hand through his hair.

“What’s that?” Jim asked quietly, indicating to the box in his hands.

“It’s chamomile tea Jim, it’s good for stress relief, try it before bed or whenever you need it, it hasn’t got any drugs in it but it may make you sleepy” Denton explained, handing the box over to Jim.

Jim took it gratefully and placed it on his lap, “Thanks, I’ll try it” Jim said honestly as he stood up to leave, leaning onto the single crutch. After weeks of daily exercises he’d finally been able to ditch one of his crutches and he was needing the other less and less.

“Thank you Jim, I’ll see you in a few days. Tell me how you get on with Leonard” Denton said in goodbye, giving Jim a little wave as he limped out the door.

Jim turned in the doorway, “Will do doc” He said happily, before turning back around and limping off down the corridor back to his room, box of tea clutched in his hand.


	25. Oppurtunites

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's possibly the worst writer ever (Spoiler alert: It's me). So I've been trying to write this chapter for like three months and the one before. The one that is meant to come before this I have ditched completely becuase it was hella bad. Anyway, i highly doubt there will be any more updates until around June 20th (that's when I finish my exams)
> 
> Anyway, still not totally happy with this chapter but I have an English exam tomorrow on Lord Of The Flies and Of Mice And Men so I will likely want to smash my laptop after that.
> 
> Also I didn't bother to really read this before posting this, so there will be mistakes. Sorry!

Oppurtunities

Leo was at a loss of what to do, he was lying awake listening to the sound of Jim’s unusually deep breathing next to him. He turned onto his side to stare over; Jim was curled up in a tight ball, the sheets pulled up to his chin, unaware of his surroundings.

Leo rolled back over onto his back and again stared up at the blank ceiling, deep in thought, it was getting difficult to try and get Jim to trust him while also reporting pretty much his every move to the Captain and Boyce. He couldn’t help but feel that his was betraying Jim by spying on everything he was doing, from eating to sleeping. To them it was as if Jim’s life was one big fishbowl.

Making the decision to tell Boyce and Pike where they can shove their stupid weekly ‘progress reports’ if not for Jim’s sake for his own conscience, he pulled his blanket up over his shoulders, rolled over onto the side away from Jim and fell asleep.

\---

Leo woke up the next morning to the sounds of Jim’s deep breathing next to him, which was strange in itself as Jim was always awake, if not up and about before him; Leo took it as a sign of some progress that Jim was getting more comfortable around him. He didn’t want to wake him up, so carefully got out of bed, deciding to skip his shower until Jim was awake, he opted to do some work in the meantime.

As he made to walk over into their living area, he tripped over something that was lying on the floor, trying to break his fall he grabbed the only thing he could see in the dark room, which just happened to be Jim’s crutch, it fell easily with him and Leo fell with a loud ‘thump’ on the floor, somehow managing to tangle himself up in his blankets as well.

He heard Jim startle awake and cringed, as he tried to free himself from the mess on the floor. The light clicked on and Jim’s confused and wary face came into view. Leonard sighed and gave up on his efforts for a moment so he could try and explain what was going on.

Jim beat him to it “You okay down there? I hear the beds are much more comfortable, also my crutch isn’t the best companion. I could probably get you a bear if you prefer” Jim said dryly before laughing quietly

Leo was stunned, had Jim just made a _joke,_ and was now _laughing_ about it. This could be a turning in their relationship, if Leo didn’t fuck it up.

“Well I was trying not wake you up, sleeping beauty. You wouldn’t mind switching the main light on? I can’t see shit down here” Leo muttered back, still tangled up.

He heard Jim’s bed creak as he got off it and stumbled over to the wall to switch it on, the room was soon bathed in bright white light. Leo could now see that it was Jim’s crutch that was holding him captive and he set about trying to set it free.

Leo then felt a tugging on the crutch and suddenly it was free, the sheets pooling around him. Looking up he saw Jim holding the crutch, before he promptly fell over.

Leo couldn’t help but laugh at Jim’s confused face, as if he couldn’t quite comprehend how he had ended up on the floor with Leo. He quickly pulled himself up and sat down on the bed, stretching his bad leg out in front of him, wincing lightly in pain.

“Sorry about that, my bad” Leo apologised as he stood up as well and sat down on his own bed. He was hoping that Jim’s mood would last. He reached down to pick up the offending item that had caused his fall.

“Chamomile tea? This yours?” Leo asked, holding the box out to Jim.

Jim’s face clouded over and he reached out to snatch the box and Leo knew he had just seconds to rescue the situation.

“That would have been an awful way to go though wouldn’t it? Death by tea” Leo said quickly.

Jim looked down at the box in his hands and laughed lightly, “Yeah, I suppose it would” He stood shakily and nodded toward the bathroom, silently asking permission, Leo nodded at him and he hobbled off, leaving Leo alone.

While Jim was gone Leo set about tidying up a bit, it was mostly his stuff all over the floor, months alone in an academy dorm really didn’t help either as he picked up half drunk cups of coffee, a couple of sandwiches and some sweet wrappers to chuck into the reprocessor.

On his way back into their sleeping area, he eyed up Jim’s tea and an idea came to mind…

\--

Jim stumbled out of the bathroom and landed heavily on his bed, it was still hard to stand on his bad leg for any length of time but Dr Eaves had assured him that he would make a full recovery.

He didn’t notice Leo holding the mug out to him until it was almost in his face, when he looked up, Leo was smiling down at him. Jim didn’t have to heart to rebuke him so took the mug off him gratefully. He smelt it cautiously, realising it must be the tea, he blew onto it and took a sip. It was hot and had a mild taste; it instantly helped to relax him.

He looked over to see Leo staring at him intently so he nodded back awkwardly as a thank you for tea. Leo seemed to pick up on Jim’s discomfort and stood up to go use the bathroom himself.

After they were both showered and dressed, the peaceful air between them stayed as they left for breakfast. Jim seemed slightly more open as he picked at his blueberry muffin. It was only toward the end that he actually made some conversation; they had been talking about football when Jim had piped up about the latest game, there was a moment of shocked silence before everyone just rolled with out and the conversation continued.

After breakfast Jim left Leo for his physical therapy appointment, he was down to three a week now as long as he did his exercises everyday. He was also warming up to Dr Eaves who was much easier to deal with now Jim wasn’t as weak as before and his sessions didn’t leave him so exhausted.

The nurse on duty buzzed him out of the ward with a smile which he returned as he waited for the tubolift. The lift was empty as he got in to ride down to the gym. When he walked through the door Dr Eaves was already waiting for him over by the private exercise rooms, he waved Jim over eagerly.

“Morning Jim!” He said cheerily when Jim was next to him; Jim gave a small smile back.

“I’d thought we’d use one of the private gyms today, I’d like to see how your muscles are doing. Here take this and change into them, the changing rooms are just over there” He said pointing over to a door next to the private room as he handed Jim a pile of clothes “I’ll be waiting inside for you, there’s a door straight in.” He finished with a wave, disappearing inside the room.

Jim stared down at the clothing in his hands but resigned himself to doing whatever Eaves said, if he didn’t it would just come to bite him on the ass later. He knew from experience. He sighed and turned away toward the changing room.

Once he was dressed he almost debated changing back into his sweatpants and refusing to wear the frankly ridiculous clothing that Eaves had given him. The short grey shorts and cropped grey top barely covered his top thighs and his pecs. Now he knew what women felt like in bikinis. The skimpy clothing showed off just how skinny and pale he’d become. Gritting his teeth he pressed the button that would open the door into the room.

Eaves was setting up some equipment when he walked in, trying to cover himself as best as possible. Eaves looked up and gave him a sympathetic smile.

“Sorry about the clothes, but it’s good for seeing how the muscles are doing when your moving. I thought you’d prefer for us to be in private.” He said, as he finished setting up.

“Thanks” Jim replied genuinely.

“I’d like to start with some gentle stretches just to warm you up, just like we’ve practised”

Jim began the sequence of stretches that he did at the start of every session. Eaves watched his critically, making the occasional comment on his position. After his warm up Eaves put him through a variety of paces, all the while looking over his body, the clothes leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination.

At the end Jim was panting hard and dripping with sweat, he couldn’t wait to have a shower and change back into his own sweatpants and tee. Normally he wasn’t so self-conscious about his body but after recent events his normally buff and tanned body was a shell of its former self.

As Jim struggled to regain his breath Eaves guided him over to a bench and handed him a bottle of water, Jim thanked him.

“You’re doing well Jim and I think if you start doing some more walking to build up some stamina. I’d also like to start you on a diet plan so you can gain back some weight. I’ll send it up onto your replicator card along with the nurses so they know how much you should be eating. I’ll let you go get changed and we’ll assess your progress in a few days” Eaves gave him and encouraging smile and handed him his crutch.

After a refreshing shower and changing back into his own clothes, Jim leant heavily on his crutch as he made his way slowly back to room. As he was about to enter the turbolift he heard his name being called from down the corridor. He turned to see Dr Boyce striding down the corridor, a smile on his face.

“Jim! I haven’t seen you for a while, how are you doing” Boyce said happily

“Uh- I’m doing pretty well thanks” Jim said slowly.

“I was actually hoping to run into you, Chris asked me if you would be willing to a check-up. Just to see how you’re doing” Boyce asked

“Um yeah sure. Haven’t seen Chris in a while actually” Jim answered.

“Oh really- I’m sure he’s just busy with all the academy stuff” Boyce replied with a little to much nonchalance, leaving Jim suspicious of what was happening outside of SFM. He was honestly too tired to care much about it.

“Well anyway, I’m kinda tired so I’m free whenever, so you know where to find me” Jim said quickly, darting into the turbolift before Boyce could say anymore to him. He leant back against the wall of lift as it took him up to the ward.

When he arrived the same nurse buzzed him back and he stumbled back toward their room. When he walked in, Leo looked up from where he had been sitting on the sofa. Jim gave him a brief look before collapsing fully on his bed.

“So I take it Physical therapy was fun then?” Leo said quietly and Jim moaned into his pillow, he was hoping Jim was still in the same mood as earlier.

Jim raised his head off the pillow, his damp hair sticking up all ways. “He made me wear shorts and a crop top and now he’s putting me on a diet” Jim complained.

Leo chuckled at Jim’s petulance and stood up, walking over to sit on his own bed opposite Jim. “Would you like some more of that tea” he asked carefully.

“No I just want to die” Jim mumbled back.

Leo’s quick intake of breath made Jim realise what he’d just said, “Sorry that was a bad thing to say. Yes I would like some tea please” Jim said quickly before Leo decided to contact Boyce or worse, Pike.

Leo breathed a sigh of relief and stood up to make them both some drinks. By the time he came back over to their beds, Jim was sound asleep drooling into his pillow. Leo put down their cups, pulled the blanket up over Jim’s body and turned the lights down low.

Leo went and sat back down on the sofa, picking up his PADD and opening a new message. This would be the final report he would send to Pike and Boyce about Jim, finally he had some good progress to tell them about…


	26. Setback and Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was meant to be split into two, but the first part was really short so i just put it all together. Also I've planned out all the chapters to the end so I know what's going to happen. You never know I might even do a sequel.

When Jim woke up, he knew that it was one of those days. His entire being felt heavy in a way that made you want to stay in bed and pray that you fell asleep until the next day.

He felt that familiar darkness that hounded him, telling him how worthless he was and that there was no point even trying to get better because he’d never amount to anything.

Jim rolled over in bed and screwed his eyes closed, hoping that he could fall back asleep. Instead he lay awake, listening to the sound of Leonard’s breathing as the light gradually made its way through the gap in the curtains where one of them had obviously hadn’t closed them properly.

It was eight when their alarm went off, automatically opening the curtains and turning on the lights, Jim groaned while Leonard dragged himself out of bed.

“Morning Jim!” Leo said cheerily. Over the last week that had built up a fragile friendship, but it was better that the coldness that he had shown toward Leo before.

Jim grunted in response and turned away from him, pulling his blanket up around his chin.

“Hey Jim… Are you feeling okay?” Leo asked quietly.

“Fuck off Leo I’m not in the mood” Jim grumbled back.

Leo, by now was well versed in Jim’s different moods and this was one of the worst. He’d only had to experience it twice since they became roommates and he knew by know exactly how to deal with it. Hopefully Jim would be okay by tomorrow but for today he knew Jim wouldn’t leave his bed, eat, drink or do anything except sleep.

Despite his vow to stop reporting on Jim to other people, he knew he had to at least tell Jim’s therapist. He sent off the message while he was waiting for the replicator to make his coffee and a cup of tea for Jim, even if he didn’t drink it.

He got dressed quietly and left; he didn’t plan on returning until late to give Jim his peace.  It wouldn’t be hard; he had another appointment with his own therapist, Christine was coming over later and there was also the compulsory exercise hour to contend with. He sat down on one of the communal sofas with his PADD, reading the latest medical journal.

He hoped Jim would be feeling better later.

\----

Leo didn’t even notice when someone sat across form him a couple of hours later, he was still trying to get his head around his Interspecies Ethics course. He only looked up when the person coughed.

“Captain” Leo said icily, placing down his PADD carefully.

“Cadet McCoy” Pike replied easily.

“It’s _Doctor McCoy”_ Leo huffed out, crossing his arms.

“Of course” Pike replied, obviously not caring.

“With all due respect _sir,_ is there a reason you’re here harassing?” Leo said nonchalantly.

“I’ll ignore your blatant insubordination in favour of what I’m really here to talk to you about, Jim” Pike continued.

“Okay so talk” Leo said, sitting back.

“How about we continue this somewhere private” Pike said with fake calmness.

“I perfectly fine here Captain” Leo replied smoothly.

“ _Doctor_ McCoy, I don’t give a shit what you think of me, you will come with me whether I have to drag you there or not, so _move”_ Pike said angrily, making Leo’s eyes widen in shock.

Leo simply nodded and stood up, tucking his PADD underneath his arm before following Pike out of the ward and into the lift.

It stopped on the next floor and they both got out; standing there waiting for the lift was Denton, Jim’s therapist.

“Ah Doctor McCoy! Captain Pike! I got your message about Jim, I don’t usually make house calls but you seem quite concerned in your message” He said jovially.

“Wait what message? What happened to Jim? Is he okay? What the hell didn’t you tell me this Cadet”

“Doctor” Leo replied instinctively.

Denton ignored Leo and turned to Pike “Leo sent me message this morning telling me how Jim wasn’t feeling too good, I was just going to go up and check on him. I can message you later”

Pike visibly relaxed “Thank you Doctor, that would be great. Now we really should be going” He said, moving past to let Denton onto the lift.

“Of course. Captain, Doctor” He said with a smile, walking onto the lift and commanding it to go up.

Pike led them silently to an office. By the look of it, it belonged to Dr Boyce. Leo looked around in interest as they sat down across from one another.

“Now McCoy, what I’m about to say is of utmost secrecy so if you utter a word of this to anyone, especially Jim, I swear to God you won’t work anywhere better than a sleazy dive bar” Pike ground out.

Leo didn’t think that saying anything would be a good idea right now so he just nodded.

“You know about the diplomatic mission to Araxnar, correct”

Leo nodded.

“Well, we gave the opportunity for some cadets to join the mission, to gain experience. Only the best were selected and Jim was going to be one of them” Pike kept eye contact with Leo he talked. “Obviously, Jim couldn’t go after his… accident, but a number of his friends did go. Jim hasn’t mentioned it yet but none of them have visited or had any contact due to the mission.”

“Okay, so what’s so secret about this” McCoy asked.

“Well the mission’s gone wrong, we don’t know exactly what had happened and ships are en route now, but as far as we can guess out information on the planet was outdated and a dictatorship had taken over. We believe they have harnessed their advanced technology and captured our ships and our crew.”

“So what does this have to do with Jim?” Leo prompted.

“Well, you know he has issues, especially abandonment and trust and we think that not having his friends around is not helping his recover.” Pike continued.

“Okay, no offence but who’s ‘we’ and why all the interest in Jim’s life now. Why do you need him better so badly” Leo asked sceptically.

“Well contrary to popular belief, the higher ups actually do have a conscience. We’ve fucked up most of his life from the moment he was born, making him stay with Frank, his brother’s death and Tarsus. Starfleet has changed a lot since the Kelvin and we’re just trying to right our wrongs.”

“Well I guess I can’t fault you for trying but surely lying to Jim about his friends doesn’t help those trust issues you were talking about. So I really don’t give a shit about you trying to ease your guilty conscience but messing around with Jim but unless you tell him, I will!” McCoy said with quiet fury before turning around and storming out of the office.

He ignored Pike’s called after him as he continued to stride back toward the lift, he was waiting for it to arrive when Pike caught up to him.

“Please McCoy, don’t say anything to Jim, at least not yet. Let me be the one to tell him and I promise I will. We’re due another update in two days” Pike said desperately.

“One week” Was all Leo said as he stepped into the lift, away from Pike.

There he collapsed against the wall of the lift and wondered how his life had become such a clusterfuck in just a matter of minutes. He just knew that when Jim finally found out that Pike had been lying to him, it was all going to go tits up.

 


	27. The road to hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pike makes good on his promise and it all goes downhill from there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally finished all my exams! Which means more time to write. Hope to have this story down by September (Fingers crossed).

When Chris arrived on the ward just after lunch he could feel McCoy’s eyes on him all the way over to Jim’s room. As much as he thought he was a good choice for Jim, both as a protector and friend. McCoy was rather cold toward him and Pike couldn’t help but feel, especially with what he was going to tell him, that that wariness was justified. If this didn’t go well it would be McCoy picking up the pieces.

Steeling himself and praying for the best, he pressed the door chime and waited. Jim came to the door and greeted him in surprise before ushering him through to their living area. Chris was pleased to see that Jim seemed comfortable in the space and his stuff had started spreading away from it’s military neatness on the bookshelf.

He sat carefully on the sofa, still wary of Jim. He may be getting better and Boyce had started talking about letting him back to the academy under supervision. A part of him just wanted to keep Jim here all wrapped in cotton wool where nothing could hurt him again. He knew that would never happen though. Taking a deep breath, he calmed himself before talking.

“So Jim, I’ve got something to tell you about” He began solemnly, waiting carefully for Jim’s response.

Jim’s brows furrowed in confusion and he sat forward in his chair, “Okay, nothing bad I hope,” Jim tried to joke but it fell flat in the suddenly tense atmosphere in the room.

“Well actually, yes. It’s about the diplomatic mission to Araxnar. You know the one you were meant to go on before the accident” Pike continued, silently congratulating himself that he managed to say the word ‘accident’ without stumbling.

“What about it? Haven’t they already left?” Jim asked, still confused about where this conversation was going. Chris was a busy man; he wouldn’t come over here for idle chitchat.

“Yes, but there has been some… problems”

Jim leaned further forward “What ‘problems’? You said it was a safe mission with no chance of anything bad happening. You promised me!”

“I’ll give it to you straight. A dictatorship has taken over the planet and has used the planet’s advanced technology to hold our ships and crew hostage for ransom. We have ships en route now but it’s a backwater planet and our fastest ships are all patrolling the neutral zone. It’s going to be weeks before the first ships arrive” Chris finished, settling back against the couch and letting Jim process what he had just said.

“How long since you found out? If ships are already en route then you had to have known for a few weeks. Why the hell didn’t you tell me? Did you think I was going to go crazy and try to kill myself again” Jim yelled at him, standing up and clenching his fists.

Chris backtracked quickly “No not at all, we only got conformation that they were definitely being held two days again. Ships were sent when we lost contact. I didn’t want to worry you unnecessarily unless it was nothing major. McCoy said if I didn’t tell you soon then-“

“He knows? You told some fucking stranger before me! I thought you cared about me and now I know that you’re just another person who thinks that I’m some fucking nutcase who needs to be handled like glass. Well get out! I don’t want to see you ever again!” Jim yelled again, shoving Chris toward the door with surprising strength.

Not wanting to provoke Jim more and knowing that he should have listened to McCoy and told Jim sooner, he obliged and walked towards the door. He turned back to Jim to see him pacing the living room. He gave Chris a glare that told him all he needed to know about Jim’s current mood. Turning back he opened the door and left.

Once outside he was glad that McCoy had left and he could escape his judgment as he quietly left the ward. Knowing that right now there was not much he could do for Jim. The best thing he could do was try to bring his friends back to him as quickly as possible.

\---

Once Chris had left the room, Jim had gone on a rampage, destroying anything that he could get his hands on. The vase that was on the table was in pieces on the floor, the water was soaking the carpet. The books had so far avoided harm but the coffee table was split in two and the replicator was probably beyond repair.

Once the living area was trashed Jim had moved onto the bathroom, knocking all the bottles to the ground. Jim had ripped the shower head from the wall and punched some of the tiles, leaving his knuckles bloody and probably broken.

Finally he slammed his fist into the mirror, satisfied at seeing his reflection crack and some shards of glass fall out. As soon as he had one in his hand and held against his wrist, all the anger and fight drained out of him and he sunk to the floor, still gripping the shard of glass. The anger had been replaced by a sort of numb sadness that filled all of him and left him dazed as he stared at the rivulets of blood running down his hand from where he was gripping the shard so tightly.

He sat there for what felt like hours running through the conversation in his head. He didn’t feel anger toward Chris, just a deep sense of betrayal at being lied to and kept in the dark. He felt weak, wanting someone when he’d relied on his own for so long. This was all his own fault.

He knew he would have to sort out the mess before Leo came back so, supporting himself against the sink, he dragged himself up. He fought the dizziness and nausea and started picking up bottles off the floor to put them back in the right places. He was mindless to the blood he was smearing on everything as he worked in a daze. When he had cleared up as best he could, Jim had the vague feeling that he was tired. His limbs became heavy and uncontrolled as he stumbled out of the bathroom and fell onto his bed. He curled up into himself, still fully clothed. He thought that the numbness and cold he was feeling were probably bad but right now all he wanted to do was sleep and hope he’d forget Chris’ betrayal in the morning.

\-------

Leo hadn’t seen Captain Pike leave but he hoped he still wasn’t with Jim; it had been awkward enough when he’d entered and with the week deadline he’d given the man getting closer, things were rather tense between them.

He rolled his neck to try and dispel ache that had settled there from crouching over a PADD for too long. Christine had been sending him patient charts to keep him entertained, often labelled with sarcastic comments attached. It kept him connected to the outside world in this little bubble, where all outside communication was monitored.

Jim had been in a pretty good mood all week, he’d griped about the diet plan he was meant to follow but other than that, they hadn’t had any hiccups toward the tentative friendship that they’d cultivated. He hoped that Jim would be up for some table tennis later. It seemed like the only other thing to do around here for entertainment except read.

He waved to a few people as he crossed the open area, it was grey and misty day and Leo could hardly see further than the building across from them.

He keyed in the pass code for their room and entered. The first thing he saw was the coffee table smashed in two and the vase of flowers in pieces on the floor. His first thought was that someone had broken in and their had been a fight. Whipping his head around he saw Jim lying curled up on the bed. Under him the grey sheets were smeared with blood, along with Jim’s clothes. Leo rushed over to him and turned him over so he could try and find out where he was injured, Jim moaned in pain as he was moved and Leo winced in sympathy.

He searched Jim’s body for any lacerations and saw his hand, the two jagged bloody cuts was still seeping blood. To Leo, it looked like Jim had been holding something that was sharp in his hand, like a knife, it provided more evidence toward his theory of Jim being attacked. He took Jim’s pulse and felt his forehead. He had a weak pulse and cool, clammy skin. All pointed toward the onset of shock. He needed to get Jim down to a proper medical ward. In a panic, Leo slammed the emergency button next to their beds before he returned to Jim.

Pulling out his medkit from under his bed, he pulled out the tricorder and gave Jim a quick scan. There were some smaller cuts on his feet and his knuckles were fractured, but right now Leo was more worried about the shock and the cut on his hand. Grabbing the antiseptic wipes and some gauze, he carefully cleaned the wound and wrapped it. Once most of the blood was cleaned, the wound looked worse, the two cuts ran the length of Jim’s hand and were deep and jagged around the edges.

Once he was done, the door slid open again and one of the doctors rushed in, accompanied by a nurse carrying a larger medkit. Leo rattled off what he already knew about Jim’s condition and the doctor listened intently before ordering the nurse to hand him a number of hyposprays. He was thankful when the colour started returning to Jim’s face and he stirred in consciousness. The doctor turned to him once he’d finished assessing Jim’s condition.

“We’re gonna take him down to the medical ward overnight just for observation, you’re welcome to join us if you’d like.” The doctor said kindly as two orderlies came in with a stretcher and gently lifted a semi-conscious Jim onto it.

“Actually I’d rather stay and tidy the place up” Leo replied, watching as they took Jim out of the room.

Just as he passed by Leo, Jim reached out and grabbed his wrist and whispered, “I’m sorry”. Only Leo heard and he looked at the bloody smear in his wrist as they all left, leaving him standing alone in the mess of the room. He needed to find out what had happened.

Leo decided to wash off the blood from his hands in the sink and immediately regretted the decision when he saw the bathroom. The normally pristine white walls were coated sickeningly in blood, the shower was hanging off the wall and the mirror was in pieces on the floor.

Suddenly it dawned on Leo that this had probably not been a fight but Jim’s doing in a fit of rage. Averting his eyes from the mess, he quickly washed his hands in the sink and left the bathroom. He picked up his PADD from where he’d discarded it on the floor and sent off a quick message to the cleaning department, giving them as little detail as possible so they wouldn’t be too shocked when they came to clean everything up.

The only person that Jim had talked to other than him today was Captain Pike, he had another call to make. He knew it wasn’t going to be pretty.

\--------

When Chris saw the incoming comm. from McCoy, he knew something bad had happened. McCoy had already told him where he could shove his weekly ‘progress reports’ on Jim.

Taking a deep breath he accepted the call, when McCoy’s face came up it was deathly calm, and that scared Pike more that it should’ve.

“What did you say to him?” McCoy asked quietly, utterly still.

“I told him what you wanted me to” Pike replied coldly.

“Well obviously not very well”

“What do you want _cadet?”_ Pike continued, already tired of putting up with McCoy’s judging gaze.

McCoy raised his eyebrows at the term; “I’m here to inform you that I’m filing for a restraining order against you on behalf of Jim for emotional trauma” He said matter-of-factly.

Pike’s eyes widened in shock, “You can’t do that! What happened to Jim that’s so bad anyway” Pike raised his voice in both outrage and panic.

“How about I show you” McCoy said cryptically, standing up and walking over the bathroom’s closed door, “I hope you’ve got a strong stomach” McCoy muttered as the door opened.

Pike took one look inside before rushing to the trash receptacle and throwing up everything in his stomach. He wiped his mouth with a handkerchief and sat back down at the terminal, pale and shaky. Had Jim really done all of that?

When he looked back at the screen, McCoy was sitting on the couch again, a look of grim satisfaction on his face.

“Jim’s down in the hospital ward with lacerations to his hand, fractured knuckles and shock.”

“Will he be alright?” Pike asked quietly.

“Yeah, he’ll be fine. But you won’t get to be a part of that and Boyce agrees with me. I’ll say goodbye to Jim for you since you can’t, _Captain”_ McCoy said acidly before cutting the connection and leaving Pike feeling cold and alone in his large office. He rubbed a clammy hand over his face.

He couldn’t imagine how he was going to cope without knowing how Jim was doing. He didn’t know why Boyce had agreed with McCoy but he was going to find out. He was going to fight the restraining order and make amends with Jim, no matter what that doctor said.

Knowing he wasn’t going to get any more work done today, he fired off a quick message to Boyce that had the general gist of ‘what the fuck?’ then he packed up his PADDs and headed out of his office.

Outside, the dark gloomy fog represented how he was feeling, he walked dejectedly along the path back toward the officers housing hoping no one tried to talk to him.

Internally he was making a plan of how he could make things right, first was getting Jim’s friends back to him.


	28. Reflection

Reflection

Leo had grown to like Santania, despite the cold exterior. She was good at assessing people’s actions and feelings and never treated Leo as an idiot.

Today she was dressed in a tasteful trouser suit, her hair pulled back into a tight bun as she sat, perfectly poised in an armchair by the window. Leo sat opposite her; feeling rather underdressed in his sweats and t-shirt with a hoodie over the top.

She tilted her head to the side, “So I’ve heard that you had an incident with your roommate yesterday” She said calmly.

Leo took a deep breath and looked out over the city, today it was bright and sunny, the total opposite of yesterday. “Yes, Jim got some news that he didn’t take that well. He trashed the room and hurt himself” Leo replied, pleased at how level his voice was.

“And how did you react” She asked, it seemed like an open question but Leo had been having sessions with her long enough to know the real meaning of the question.

“I wanted to drink, until I passed out and couldn’t remember anything,” He admitted shamefully.

“That’s good, I mean it’s good to admit what you want and why you wanted it. That’s your problem Leonard,” She said, placing her hands in her lap.

“What do you mean by that?” Leo replied, feeling slightly defensive.

“It’s not a bad thing. You drink because you can’t handle people being hurt and you not being able to help them. It makes you feel useless and you hate that,” She explained.

Leo sighed, she was absolutely right, after his father had become ill the drinking had really started. It was what led to his divorce.

“I don’t know how to change that,” Leo said helplessly.

“You should start with thinking of all the people you have saved, who would be dead without you. I’m sure Jim could have bled out if you hadn’t been there, have you thought about it that way?” She continued.

Leo honestly hadn’t, he had always been a pessimist and found it hard to see the good in situations. “No I haven’t” he admitted.

“Well then, when you start feeling helpless, just think of what would have happened if you hadn’t been there at all or think of someone you’ve saved before. You were a trauma surgeon in a busy hospital, you must have saved hundreds,” She said, picking up her glass of water and taking a sip.

“I’ll do just that” Leo confirmed, feeling relieved that she’d offered a solution to his problem.

“Now about Jim, do you think you are alright with him being there? Don’t deny you’ve been taking care of him as well as yourself. It’s not a crime to admit you need to look after yourself for a change”

Leo thought; it would be easier without having to take care of Jim and deal with Pike as well. He couldn’t deny that it was getting exhausting with the constant worry that Jim was going to hurt himself. Could he really abandon Jim in favour of his own recovery?

“Leo, you’ve made amazing progress in the last few months and I’d say you’re just about ready to move back into campus housing. I hate to say it Leo but he’s holding you back. He’s got his problems and you’ve got yours. Sometimes you just have to let go before you’re in too deep.”

Leo was conflicted, he knew that Jim was worse off than he was and that there was always going to be the chance that he’d leave before Jim. But Leo couldn’t imagine leaving now, not when Jim was still in the hospital wing.

“I’ll have to think about it” Leo said back, not wanting to give anything away.

“That’s a good idea, I’m not forcing you into anything but it’s always good to know you have options” She said with a smile. “Anyway, I’ll you in three days, there’s no rush to make a decision” She said finally, dismissing him with a wave of her hand. Leo nodded to her, got up and walked out of the room.

Once away from her calculating gaze, Leo leant against the wall of the deserted corridor and thought. He didn’t want to go back up to the room just yet, not when the memory yesterday was still fresh in his mind.

Today was not the day to be making those sort of decisions, it would have to wait until he and Jim could talk, ho owed him that much.

Pushing himself off the wall, he began to walk toward the turbolift that would take him back up to the room. After the incident, some orderlies and cleaners had come and cleaned and repaired the room. It was now just as it had been before but Leo couldn’t help but see the bloody walls and smashed coffee table.

Boyce had given him an update on Jim’s condition; physically he was fine and would be back up after talking with his therapist. Boyce had also started the paperwork on the restraining order. Leo was thankful for small mercies. Jim didn’t need those sorts of people around him right now.

Putting the conversation out of his mind, he got in the turbolift and headed back up to their room, intent on sorting a few things out before Jim got back.


	29. Interlude 3: Pike and Boyce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boyce talks to Pike and helps him see sense.

Chris’ apartment looked out over the bay, providing excellent views on a good day with its floor to ceiling windows. Chris stood there looking out, an empty tumbler in his hand and a full bottle of whiskey on the table next to him. He knew drinking wasn’t going to solve anything.

Boyce had replied to his message with a request to meet at the apartment to ‘talk’. If Chris had anything to say about it, there may be a body dump involved.

He was pulled from his train of thought by the door chime, he called for the door to open and soon heard the measured steps of Phil behind him. He didn’t look over at him but knew that Phil would be staring at him intently.

“It’s a great view, I’m jealous” Phil said like nothing was wrong.

“Captain’s perks” Chris replied shortly.

“You’re probably wondering why I’m doing it”

“Payback?” Chris answered, turning away from the window and moving to sit on one of the sofas. Phil followed and sat opposite him, when Chris looked up he saw that Boyce had changed out of his scrubs and into a casual shirt and slacks, he was still holding a tricorder, posied to scan. Chris sighed.

“No Chris, for perspective. You’re in too deep with Jim. When was the last time you actually went to that command tactics class your meant to be teaching, or had a meeting with one of your other advisees. The world doesn’t begin and end with Jim Kirk and you need to realise that” Boyce said forcefully.

“And you think the best way to that is to legally stop him from seeing me?” Chris replied sarcastically.

“No, the restraining order isn’t going through, although Leonard did debate it. It was just to shock you really.” Boyce explained.

“Leonard? You two all buddy-buddy now” Chris continued, relieved at what he had been told.

“Stop being petty Chris. You can still see the kid but at least try to attend to some of the other duties you have. Jim is in the best facility in the Federation and has a group of people there for him.”

“Are you saying I should stop seeing him?” Chris argued.

“Not at all, I’m saying you need to take a step back. Jim likes you and he made be a tad pissed at you for lying to him but he’s just unstable. He knows why you did it and is prepared to forgive you. I talked to him earlier”

“That’s… that’s a good idea” Chris breathed, relaxing back against the cushions.

“Right then, I want you to eat something, get some rest and sort yourself out” Phil commanded, standing up and walking around the coffee table to place a reassuring hand on Chris’ shoulder, “It may take time, but it will all work out in the end” He promised before turning around and walking to the door, he turned around to see that Chris still hadn’t moved, he thought it was better to leave him to it so left as quietly as he could.

Chris didn’t move for a long time, not until he’d processed the fact that everything had been a hoax and that he was still able to see Jim. In a way he felt relieved that everything was out in the open now, and Chris vowed he wasn’t going to lie to Jim again. It never ended well for him.

He would go see Jim tomorrow, after he’d made appointments to see his other advisees, dropped into his command tactics class and had a little chat with McCoy. That doctor was going to be the death of him if they didn’t start working with and not against each other. Hating each other wasn’t going to help Jim. If Phil was on first name terms with the man then he mustn’t be that bad, Chris reasoned with himself.

But first, he needed to do what Boyce said and get something to eat. He ordered a turkey sandwich from the replicator and ate it the breakfast bar while scrolling through his PADD. After he was finished he put the plate in the reprocessor and went to bed, hopeful that things would get better in the morning.


	30. Communication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris clears the air with McCoy and makes things right with Jim.

Chris had arranged to steal Phil’s office for a couple of hours. It was on the top floor and had even better views than Chris’ apartment. It would be, considering Phil was the surgeon general of Starfleet Medical.

He’d contacted both Jim and McCoy and asked to see them separately. First he needed to clear the air between him and McCoy and Chris needed to accept that McCoy was going to be just as important as he was in Jim’s recovery.

He waited another five minutes until the door chimed and he let McCoy in. The man didn’t look as hostile as he had the last time they’d seen each other but he still had an air of wariness about him. Chris motioned for him to sit and McCoy nodded before taking the chair opposite Chris.

“Firstly I’d like to say I’m sorry” Chris began.

McCoy looked a little taken back, “Well then I’m sorry too. We haven’t exactly treated each other in the best way lately” McCoy replied, sinking further back into the seat.

“Now that’s out of the way, I’d like to ask your advice; about Jim” Chris said “About how to apologise” He clarified.

“Well I can tell you know he’d already forgiven you for what you did. But I think he’d like the reassurance that you’re not going to lie to him again. He really likes you sir, and Jim doesn’t want to hold a grudge, it’s against his nature.”

“That’s good to know Doctor, I’ve made some mistakes with Jim and so has Starfleet, we’re just trying to rectify them”

“I can get behind that Captain, Jim doesn’t deserve his life being fucked around with anymore. He’s been through enough”

“I couldn’t agree more doctor, and I think you’re good for him as well” Pike admitted.

“It’s nice to see that we’re on the same page. Now you should probably get Jim down here, he was getting a bit anxious when I left” McCoy said.

“Of course, have a nice day McCoy” Chris said in goodbye before dismissing McCoy with a wave of his hand, he nodded back at him, stood up and left.

It was only a couple of minutes of later that he could hear the pacing of feet outside of the office. Chris waited five more minutes for the door chime to sound before he opened it himself, revealing a nervous looking Jim. Chris smiled at him warmly and let him into the office. Jim stood there, jumping from foot to foot until Chris guided him into one of the armchairs and sat him down, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder before sitting in the chair across from him.

Jim still seemed antsy, h is eyes were looking everywhere except Chris and he was wringing his hands in his lap.

“Jim there’s nothing you need to be worried about, this is nothing bad” Chris reassured.

Jim locked eyes with him, looking like a deer in the headlights, “Um yeah thanks” Jim said nervously.

“Well I’d like to say I’m sorry for lying to you and that I only told the doctor to make sure he knew and could handle if anything went wrong”

“Which is did” Jim whispered.

“Yes, I’ve made some mistakes Jim but I really want to help you get better. You’re destined for great things” Pike said honestly.

Jim blinked back tears at Chris’ faith in him, “Thank you, it means a lot” Jim finally said, looking away again.

“Your welcome Jim and, just to tell you, we haven’t had anymore information about the mission yet but the first ships should be arriving within the next two weeks and we’ll know more then.” Chris said.

“That’s good. I-I miss them,” He admitted quietly, unsure of himself.

“We’ll get them back to you as soon as possible”

“Is that a promise?” Jim asked.

“No, I’m done making promises I can’t keep” Chris replied, leaning forward in his chair.

“I’d like that” Jim replied, seemingly more relaxed that earlier, he offered a tentative smile.

Chris didn’t want to break Jim’s relaxed state so decided to leave it there, “Great, I’ll let you get back to your day Jim. I’ll come over and see you in a few days if that’s okay?”

“Yeah that’d be great. I’ll see you then” Jim smiled warmly before getting up and walking confidently out. Chris was pleased to see that there was no lingering limp.

Chris hoped that now that the physical injuries were healed, the mental wounds would also start to mend themselves.


	31. Interlude: Uhura

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uhura thinks on her friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the first chapter from the other POV after they've been captured. This capter takes place around the end of April. The story begins in the middle of February. So this is actually a flashback.
> 
> Also do you think that I should do more of these from the others POV on the planet or stick to Jim/Leo and flashbacks to before they left???????

Uhura was perched delicately on the wide windowsill of their room, her long legs tucked underneath her and her chin resting on her arm. Her beige dress hanging loosely off her.

She thought back over the last two months, although somehow it didn’t feel that long,. It had been a slightly subdued trip without Jim and with his accident but, when they had all arrived and seen the planet below them, the excitement of exploring had overtaken them.

She didn’t remember much of the next few hours right after they dropped out of warp, except the feeling of being transported, then standing in a large open space with what seemed to be the entire crew of all the ships.

Being a linguist she’d been able to decipher what they were saying and balked when they said the words ‘hostage’ and ‘execute’. Suddenly this exciting diplomatic mission had turned into something far worse. And right now it wasn’t looking like they were going to make it out alive.

Uhura hadn’t known anybody who was stood around her but she had the need to find someone, be it Gaila, Spock or Thaleb. She started weaving her way through the crowd, trying not to push and shove too many people. Most people seemed to shocked and scared to protest much, huddled together in groups.

She was lucky when she spotted Spock’s pointed ears and signature bowl cut (Which Jim had once called ‘the bowl cut of doom’. The memory made her smile slightly despite the circumstances).

When she got to him, he was talking to a group of engineers who quickly moved off when she approached, he’d turned to face her and she remembered that he’d hugged her, which was both a surprise and a comfort.

Spock had explained to her that they had taken all senior officers somewhere else and that was probably so the rest of the crew couldn’t organise themselves to revolt. It was scary to think that this planet had the power just to take people right off their ships. How had Starfleet now known this?

They’d waited in a tense silence together, neither wanting to say what they feared may happen. Gaila and Thaleb were nowhere to be seen but she hoped that they were with someone and weren’t alone.

After that, the door to the large warehouse-like room they were all in opened and twelve heavily armed Araxans had walked through, sending everyone into silence. They hadn’t said anything just pointed over to a wall that had slid open to reveal a row of transporter pods. Uhura’s heart had sank at that point, they were clearly for individual people, meaning her respite with Spock was going to be short-lived. For all she knew they could be all beamed out into space. That wouldn’t be a horrible way to die.

She looked on as they’d dragged some poor ensign into the pod, closing the capsule around him. Once he was in he started to panic, slamming against the wall of the capsule until he disappeared in a flurry of lights.

That had ignited the rest of the crowd, who had all surged forward her included, luckily Spock shielded her from most of the pushing and shoving. It came to an abrupt stop when the Araxans started firing, killing anyone they hit. She shuddered and pressed her face into Spock’s side. She’s never seen someone killed- _mudrdered_ right in front of her. Spock brought a comforting arm around her and she silently thanked him for it. She looked up form Spock and saw that the were dragging the bodies in a corner, she hoped that no one she knew was there.

They’d started pulling people into the pods again, the crowd slowly shuffling forward, resigned to their fate. However Uhura wasn’t going to go so easily and desperately searched her mind for anything that would mean she didn’t have to go alone. Thinking back to all the files she pored over late at night in the library, she came up with an idea.

Spock, surprisingly, agreed to her plan as they got to the front, linking hands as they waited for on of the Araxans to grab them. When one approached, it saw their linked hands and eyed them suspiciously before stomping off to talk to the other one by the pods, Uhura didn’t know what was said but he nodded and directed them to two pods next to each other.

Once they were inside, she gave Spock a small smile, knowing that this may be the last time she ever saw him.

Uhura must have passed out at some point because the next thing she remembers is waking up on a large bed, with Spock, thankfully, next to her. The room was to become their prison for foreseeable future…

And here she was now, still here after two months, or around about that sort of time anyway. The days on the planet were slightly longer than Earth, by around three hours, so they couldn’t be exact. The tally that they kept on a piece of paper seemed to be the only evidence that they weren’t stuck in some sort of time loop.

As prisons went, this one was remarkably nice. The room was Spartan and in lots of beige and cream hues. The huge bed in the centre, covered with pillows, dominated it. To the left of the bed was a row of windows, with windowsills large enough to sit on and this was where Uhura spent most of her time. Looking out onto the forest of golden trees that went on for miles until you came to the coppery coloured mountains on the horizon. It was a pretty place.

She sighed, the view was becoming tiresome, and she would give anything to see something else right now, even her cramped quarters back on the ship. A ship that might not even exist anymore turned to debris, leaving them trapped on the planet.

Her thoughts turned to Gaila and Thaleb, she had no idea if they were killed in that warehouse or were trapped in another room like this. The building they were in appeared massive, they must be at least ten floors up but the force fields over the windows, prevented Uhura from sticking her head out to properly gauge how large the building was.

Even Spock was struggling with the lack of change, the routine was driving them both crazy: wake up and try to stay in bed as long of possible before crippling boredom pulled them both out, get breakfast of some rolls, a cheese like substance and some water. Then Spock would meditate and she would take a bath. Then lunch would arrive, the same as breakfast, in the afternoon they’d talk sometimes, mainly in other languages, just to pass the time and Uhura would sit at the window and think. The dinner would be delivered, they would eat and then she went to bed.

Mainly she thought about what she would do when they were released, how she’d probably take some time off Starfleet, maybe take a year out, go home and appreciate what she’d been denied for too long. Family was important to her.

She also thought a lot about Gaila, how her bubbly personality and need to socialise would cope with the forced seclusion. Thaleb had probably sworn vengeance on every member of the Araxan race, and the thought brought her some joy, in a twisted way.

Often she thought of Jim, he’d still been in an induced coma when they’d left and they hadn’t heard anything since. She assumed and hoped that he was getting better, however she couldn’t help thinking the worst. What if he got worse, and was dismissed form the academy. She knew that if that happened than Jim’s life would be cut very short, probably killed by drugs, alcohol or a bar fight. It was a bleak outcome.

He was a sweet guy, even if he did hit on her back in that bar, but she didn’t hold it against him. To be honest she was more pissed at the guys who had decided to beat him up because of it. She didn’t need anyone defending her honour, it was outdated and ridiculous.

But Jim needed help, sure they’d tried, but it was clear that Jim seemed hell bent on self-destruction. And they’d had no idea exactly how to help him. It was like if he had a head wound, you would know that he needed help but not necessarily how to give it. It was frustrating to say the least.

Hopefully some time in hospital would make him get clean or even seek some help for his problems, Starfleet did have one of the best medical centres in the world.

She was interrupted from her thoughts by a grating sound, the small hatch at the bottom of the door had been opened and a tray holding two plates and a jug of juice was slid through before it was slammed shut again.

She uncurled herself and stood up, just as Spock emerged from the bathroom, hair still dripping. She hadn’t realises quite how fast a Vulcan’s hair grew, but it was already down past his shoulders and his facial hair was just passing from smoking hot into wise old man territory.

Unfortunately anything sharp or a possible weapon had been taken from them, including their uniforms and universal translators. The only electronic thing was the force fields on the windows; everything else was analogue, from the taps in the bathroom to the triple locks on the heavy metal door.

She picked up the wooden tray and carried over to the little table near the window, she took the plates off the tray and poured the juice for each of them. Spock joined her shortly, dressed in loose beige trousers and top.

They ate in silence for a while until she spoke, “I was just thinking about Jim,” She said conversationally.

“I too, find myself thinking about him as well, he is an enigma to me still” Spock agreed.

“Do you think he’s alright?” She asked, stabbing her salad-like meal with her fork-like implement. It was more like a stake.

“I believe the human psyche is complex and difficult to understand, however I believe Jim is fully capable of recovering with the right support”

“But what support? It’s not like we’re here to help him, and we’re his closest friends” She argued.

“You are forgetting that Captain Pike still remains on campus and he would never let Jim be alone. And we are not Jim’s only friends, there is plenty of support back at the academy”

“You’re saying he doesn’t need us?”

“I did not say that Nyota, I would much rather we were there with him to help but out current situation makes that impossible.”

“Sorry, you’re right. I guess I’m just getting cabin fever. We’ve been here so long” She sighed.

“I agree that it is getting harder to maintain a stable state of mind, but we are Starfleet officers and we must remain strong”

“You’re a Starfleet officer, I’m a cadet. I haven’t even finished my first year yet!”

“Nyota, you a fully capable and strong young woman and your talent for languages is unparalleled in any of your peers, as long as you pass the required tests, I am sure that they will allow you to continue to next year despite not finishing all classes.”

She breathed a sigh of relief, “Thanks Spock, I needed that. I think I’m going to go to bed. I don’t think I can look at this room anymore”

“Of course, Nyota. I will tidy up and meditate in the mean time.”

She gave him a nod and a smile before stripping off her beige dress, staring at it in disgust. She was never wearing beige ever again after this.

Spock had thoughtfully placed one of the blankets off the bed over the windows to blot out the sunlight, sending the room into darkness. It was a nice respite from the brightness of the day.

She slid into bed and rolled over, pulling up the sheet around her. She thought she must be having some reaction to the food or drink because after dinner she always got tired. Spock said it had no effect on him so it obviously was either just her or didn’t affect Vulcans.

Nevertheless it meant she could sleep at night, dreamlessly thank god. She didn’t want to know what sort of things she’d be thinking about in her sleep at the moment.

The sounds of Spock moving around the room comforted her and sent her off into a dreamless sleep.


End file.
